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For All Your Maximum Ride Needs
12 years ago
9.20.2008
Weeks Into School
My thoughts right now...you don't want to know what I'm thinking. School is terrible. An utter mess. That's all...nothing more.
8.30.2008
Truth
They say you can learn from mistakes. But why do we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. They say god can save us, but how is that possible if there is no proof of his existence. They say homosexuals are bad, but how do you know that is true? How is it that people say these things without truth?
Truth is a funny thing because there are few things that we know the real truth about. People say there is truth in religion, but in reality, there isn't. Religion is just a load of lies and insecurities. It's man-made, like laws, buildings, lakes, and cars. Religion was not made by god, gods, the "Sky Dude", Allah, Yahweh, Satan, or the Devil. No, religion was called "the opium of people". Well, at least for some people, it is sort of an addiction. It's something a lot of people can't live without.
They say atheists don't have morals, but then again, are religious people better than atheists? The answer is no. There are a lot of bad religious people out there. Raping priests, terrorists, and murderers who call themselves "holy". Let's just put it this way, atheists are equally bad, but perhaps a little better. I guess that's all relative to opinion.
But truth and reasoning cannot be part of religion. They contradict each other a lot. They cannot exist together peacefully. The only truth in religion is false truth. But isn't it hard to find any truth when most of the world is lying. Everyone lies. Everyone does bad. And no, there are no such things as sins.
But what am I babbling about?
Truth is a funny thing because there are few things that we know the real truth about. People say there is truth in religion, but in reality, there isn't. Religion is just a load of lies and insecurities. It's man-made, like laws, buildings, lakes, and cars. Religion was not made by god, gods, the "Sky Dude", Allah, Yahweh, Satan, or the Devil. No, religion was called "the opium of people". Well, at least for some people, it is sort of an addiction. It's something a lot of people can't live without.
They say atheists don't have morals, but then again, are religious people better than atheists? The answer is no. There are a lot of bad religious people out there. Raping priests, terrorists, and murderers who call themselves "holy". Let's just put it this way, atheists are equally bad, but perhaps a little better. I guess that's all relative to opinion.
But truth and reasoning cannot be part of religion. They contradict each other a lot. They cannot exist together peacefully. The only truth in religion is false truth. But isn't it hard to find any truth when most of the world is lying. Everyone lies. Everyone does bad. And no, there are no such things as sins.
But what am I babbling about?
8.28.2008
Skool (Purposely Spelled Wrong)
Well, it's inevitable. School is coming to get me. Whether I like it or not. Whether I think it's important or not. Whether I care or not. I'll have to go. Eventually. I'll have to put up with all my "friends" and my newly ex-boyfriend, the gossip about the break up and the pain, the questions and the answers.
As it is known to me in the summer, "Skool" has become something I'm beginning to be very scared of. I don't have social status to float on anymore. Since the break up, I've lost a lot of my connections with people. And I guess I still know how to beat the system, it's just harder. The social system is very complicated. I hate it so much. I'd rather be in private school with Kate. I'd love that a lot. I know she would too. The two of us loners stuck in our own schools, wishing we could be elsewhere.
Okay, enough is enough, I'm done for today, because I'll just rant and hurt more later.
As it is known to me in the summer, "Skool" has become something I'm beginning to be very scared of. I don't have social status to float on anymore. Since the break up, I've lost a lot of my connections with people. And I guess I still know how to beat the system, it's just harder. The social system is very complicated. I hate it so much. I'd rather be in private school with Kate. I'd love that a lot. I know she would too. The two of us loners stuck in our own schools, wishing we could be elsewhere.
Okay, enough is enough, I'm done for today, because I'll just rant and hurt more later.
8.24.2008
Why Can't You Leave Me Alone?
Everywhere I go, there's a reminder, some sort of taunting sign, of my ex-boyfriend. It's like he surrounds me, even though he's miles away. It's like I'm seeing things. His first name suddenly appears everywhere. Even his first and last initials together. Songs I listen always seem to fit our situation. His phone number, his birthday. Jeez, it's everywhere. On license plate numbers to prices for things in shops and screen names/user names on website. I can't escape. But I need to desperately.
Yes, I'll admit, for now, that I am still in love with him. He is the person that completed me, and of course I feel a little empty. But I know I need to let go. I have other people to move on to, other crushes and other possible and potential relationships. I have things to admit, things to get over, and other problems to deal with. I worry about myself.
Things my ex liked seemed to be mentioned. Movies, music...I wish it would all stop. People with the same situation on messageboards and websites. I can't stand it, but cutting off my computer life would also be a bad thing. I did promise myself I wouldn't cry. At least I haven't done that yet, thank you very much. I think it was because I promised Kate and my other friend that I wouldn't. I had to proben that I wasn't the crying type. I was supposed to be the strong one.
But I'm not. And they don't understand because I don't have the guts to admit to them what else is wrong with me. Maybe, I will, when I see them again. After all, I am posting from a vacation and will return in a week or two. I can't say when. My arrival home seems indefinite because I do not want to return to the place where the very real reminders are of what we should and could have been.
Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I haven't let go enough yet. He's everywhere, even in my heart, but he needs to go. I just need someone to hold onto right now, mentally. I need a friend to lean on. I can't wait to get home. I need to talk to Kate, the only one who understands me. I need someone to help me up because I'm still sprawled out on the ground, paralyzed with fear.
Yes, I'll admit, for now, that I am still in love with him. He is the person that completed me, and of course I feel a little empty. But I know I need to let go. I have other people to move on to, other crushes and other possible and potential relationships. I have things to admit, things to get over, and other problems to deal with. I worry about myself.
Things my ex liked seemed to be mentioned. Movies, music...I wish it would all stop. People with the same situation on messageboards and websites. I can't stand it, but cutting off my computer life would also be a bad thing. I did promise myself I wouldn't cry. At least I haven't done that yet, thank you very much. I think it was because I promised Kate and my other friend that I wouldn't. I had to proben that I wasn't the crying type. I was supposed to be the strong one.
But I'm not. And they don't understand because I don't have the guts to admit to them what else is wrong with me. Maybe, I will, when I see them again. After all, I am posting from a vacation and will return in a week or two. I can't say when. My arrival home seems indefinite because I do not want to return to the place where the very real reminders are of what we should and could have been.
Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I haven't let go enough yet. He's everywhere, even in my heart, but he needs to go. I just need someone to hold onto right now, mentally. I need a friend to lean on. I can't wait to get home. I need to talk to Kate, the only one who understands me. I need someone to help me up because I'm still sprawled out on the ground, paralyzed with fear.
8.23.2008
Sometimes
Sometimes, I lie on my bed in the dark and stare at the ceiling. Sometimes, I wish that I could go back and change all the things I've screwed up. Sometimes, I wish a lot of things and do a lot of things. But I can't. Sometimes, it seems hopeless to me.
And sometimes, I hope, that for once I'll get what I really want. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't still in love with my ex-boyfriend. But he haunts me. In my dreams and in real life. I see reminders everywhere. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes it's just all too surreal.
But sometimes, I know that my dreams are too far-fetched, like believing in god, santa, and the tooth fairy. I'm tricking myself into comfort. And it's all the time that I know that I need to get a grip and move on. But sometimes, I don't want to do that.
And sometimes, I wonder if there's anything better up ahead. People tell me there is, and so sometime I just have to believe them. Sometimes, I think about all the sometimes I have in my life. Sometimes, I know that they should be never or always. Not in between.
Sometimes....
And sometimes, I hope, that for once I'll get what I really want. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't still in love with my ex-boyfriend. But he haunts me. In my dreams and in real life. I see reminders everywhere. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes it's just all too surreal.
But sometimes, I know that my dreams are too far-fetched, like believing in god, santa, and the tooth fairy. I'm tricking myself into comfort. And it's all the time that I know that I need to get a grip and move on. But sometimes, I don't want to do that.
And sometimes, I wonder if there's anything better up ahead. People tell me there is, and so sometime I just have to believe them. Sometimes, I think about all the sometimes I have in my life. Sometimes, I know that they should be never or always. Not in between.
Sometimes....
So Long Summer
Summer is coming to an end. A very sad end. Not sad because I don't want to go to school, but sad because I didn't really enjoy it except for the short three weeks I spent with some friends. It's too bad that all good things come to an end because if good things didn't end, I'd be a very happy person right now.
But that's okay. It's my last year in this school. I've got nothing left to lose because my best friend goes to another school. I'm a lone wolf, a stranger among the acquaintances. I'm the misunderstood in the understanding. I've watched how people operate. I know how each clique clicks. I know why the losers are losers and why popular girls are so bitchy. I know everything. But no one really knows anything about me. It's like I'm a secret keeper. I'm watching, I learn, I know, and no one notices of cares about me.
And perhaps it's better that way. At school, no one needs to know me. I've learned that relationships don't ever last when we're this young, and even if they did, it just leads to a bigger heartbreak and more heartache after.
But summer, I am sad to see go because if I had a choice, I would repeat summer over and over again. School's a waste of time.
But that's okay. It's my last year in this school. I've got nothing left to lose because my best friend goes to another school. I'm a lone wolf, a stranger among the acquaintances. I'm the misunderstood in the understanding. I've watched how people operate. I know how each clique clicks. I know why the losers are losers and why popular girls are so bitchy. I know everything. But no one really knows anything about me. It's like I'm a secret keeper. I'm watching, I learn, I know, and no one notices of cares about me.
And perhaps it's better that way. At school, no one needs to know me. I've learned that relationships don't ever last when we're this young, and even if they did, it just leads to a bigger heartbreak and more heartache after.
But summer, I am sad to see go because if I had a choice, I would repeat summer over and over again. School's a waste of time.
8.21.2008
What I Want
What I want is probably also what i need. And right now, I just need someone to talk to that understands me. Unfortunately, the only person that does understand me is away right now and there is no easy and fast way to contact her....Kate.
I've been feeling a little lost lately. Feelings and emotions mixed together in a swirl of rage and regret. I'm confused, but then again, I know exactly what's wrong and what I need figured out.
As I'm typing this, here in my vacation room, it's pouring rain. That really sets my mood. It's so windy too. I wish I could stand out there and have the rain just beat down on me and cleanse me from all my pain and sorrow.
But there is no easy way out, no escape route, no cheat guide, and definitely thousands of choices to how to solve all my problems, which none of you would ever understand. I am misunderstood. And what I want and need is to be understood.
Because sometimes life can beat you down, and that's what's happening now, and I'm stressed out and tired. I don't sleep a lot. I spend hours on the computer because that's all I have to do at 5AM in the morning after I've gotten 0 hours of sleep.
And maybe that's okay because I'll just survive this way until it gets better. Or maybe it could just get worse. But that's okay. Isn't it that everything works out in the end?
I've been feeling a little lost lately. Feelings and emotions mixed together in a swirl of rage and regret. I'm confused, but then again, I know exactly what's wrong and what I need figured out.
As I'm typing this, here in my vacation room, it's pouring rain. That really sets my mood. It's so windy too. I wish I could stand out there and have the rain just beat down on me and cleanse me from all my pain and sorrow.
But there is no easy way out, no escape route, no cheat guide, and definitely thousands of choices to how to solve all my problems, which none of you would ever understand. I am misunderstood. And what I want and need is to be understood.
Because sometimes life can beat you down, and that's what's happening now, and I'm stressed out and tired. I don't sleep a lot. I spend hours on the computer because that's all I have to do at 5AM in the morning after I've gotten 0 hours of sleep.
And maybe that's okay because I'll just survive this way until it gets better. Or maybe it could just get worse. But that's okay. Isn't it that everything works out in the end?
8.20.2008
I'll Be Just Fine Pretending I'm Not
I'll be just fine pretending that I'm not depressed and that I'm not angry at the world. I'll be just fine that way because no one is going to bother to listen to me.
You know, sometimes I think about that car crash that my two friends died in and wish it were me instead because I know that I wouldn't have that big of a loss. I bet you half of my school wouldn't care. Their tears wouldn't mean anything, they would be fake, just an excuse to not do anything in school. At least when my two friends died, everyone loved them. They were the best students in the school, teacher's favorites.
But me? I'm likable I guess. Teachers either love me or hate me, there's no inbetween. I can make you think that I trust you, only to really think that you're an acquaintance and that whatever friendship we have between us will slowly fade away. It's my way of surviving. I've realized that I'm not all that great at keeping relationship steady I guess. I'm really good at screwing things up, fucking things up too. Sometimes when I watch the news and hear about people dying in car crashes, I wish it was me.
Sometimes, when I hear about stuff like school shootings, I wish someone would do that to my school and come and just kill me off because am I really that useful? What reason do I have to live? I do not believe in god, he is irrational and fictional, like Santa Clause. The bible is a peace of fictional BS.
And sometimes the only thing keeping me going is probably the few I have left that care about me. Kate, being one of them, because I know that if I were gone, she'd be all broken up. Then there's baseball. If I were to really, really do it, I wouldn't do it during the baseball season, especially not this one since I've got a bet on the Chicago Cubs. This is their year, no one else's.
But right now, I'll be just fine pretending that I'm not okay. I'll be just fine decieving all of you. I'll be just fine pretending I'm not okay.
You know, sometimes I think about that car crash that my two friends died in and wish it were me instead because I know that I wouldn't have that big of a loss. I bet you half of my school wouldn't care. Their tears wouldn't mean anything, they would be fake, just an excuse to not do anything in school. At least when my two friends died, everyone loved them. They were the best students in the school, teacher's favorites.
But me? I'm likable I guess. Teachers either love me or hate me, there's no inbetween. I can make you think that I trust you, only to really think that you're an acquaintance and that whatever friendship we have between us will slowly fade away. It's my way of surviving. I've realized that I'm not all that great at keeping relationship steady I guess. I'm really good at screwing things up, fucking things up too. Sometimes when I watch the news and hear about people dying in car crashes, I wish it was me.
Sometimes, when I hear about stuff like school shootings, I wish someone would do that to my school and come and just kill me off because am I really that useful? What reason do I have to live? I do not believe in god, he is irrational and fictional, like Santa Clause. The bible is a peace of fictional BS.
And sometimes the only thing keeping me going is probably the few I have left that care about me. Kate, being one of them, because I know that if I were gone, she'd be all broken up. Then there's baseball. If I were to really, really do it, I wouldn't do it during the baseball season, especially not this one since I've got a bet on the Chicago Cubs. This is their year, no one else's.
But right now, I'll be just fine pretending that I'm not okay. I'll be just fine decieving all of you. I'll be just fine pretending I'm not okay.
The Hardest Part
The hardest part about breaking up is letting go. Part of me still wants to love my ex-boyfriend. That part of me is tell me that I still need him and that life without him is like living a nightmare. And for a while, it might seem that way. But really, he shouldn't mean anything to me anymore. Our time together is over, and perhaps I just need to let go.
But then again, letting go of him is also saying goodbye to a best friend. Not that I haven't done that before. I have been back stabbed by my best friends, and I had this coming towards me for a while. It only seems like it doesn't matter that my inner circle of friends only includes one person right now.
But I am broken, and I need to pick up the shards that I can find and try to piece myself back together. It's not just my heart that is broken, but it seems like everything around me has become broken too. Everything I'm around, something bad seems to happen. I'm surprised Kate, my best friend, hasn't turned on me either. But then again, we both don't have anything to lose except each other.
And right now I'm lost.
It seems everywhere I turn there is another growing problem. When I try to retrace my footsteps, it just seems dead weight drags behind me and I am still stuck with an irreversible problem. It's like the solution just slips through my fingers and I'm left on my knees with nothing but pain and sorrow.
Sad, sorrowful, and pathetic I am right now.
But then again, letting go of him is also saying goodbye to a best friend. Not that I haven't done that before. I have been back stabbed by my best friends, and I had this coming towards me for a while. It only seems like it doesn't matter that my inner circle of friends only includes one person right now.
But I am broken, and I need to pick up the shards that I can find and try to piece myself back together. It's not just my heart that is broken, but it seems like everything around me has become broken too. Everything I'm around, something bad seems to happen. I'm surprised Kate, my best friend, hasn't turned on me either. But then again, we both don't have anything to lose except each other.
And right now I'm lost.
It seems everywhere I turn there is another growing problem. When I try to retrace my footsteps, it just seems dead weight drags behind me and I am still stuck with an irreversible problem. It's like the solution just slips through my fingers and I'm left on my knees with nothing but pain and sorrow.
Sad, sorrowful, and pathetic I am right now.
8.19.2008
You Don't, You Don't, You Don't,, You Don't Mean Anything to Me
The title of this post is a Simple Plan lyric from "You Don't Mean Anything."
I've been listening to some music lately. Mostly about heartbreak and being hurt. This just happened to be one of the songs. I also have Augustana's "Stars and Boulevards", Papa Roach's "Scars", Blink 182's "Adam's Song", and My Chemical Romance's "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)".
Like Keith Urban said about heartbreak in his song "Tonight I Wanna Cry", he croons, "It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better." And maybe I'm only feeling a lot of emotions and guilt since my break up with my boyfriend. I bet you Mr. Urban is right about that.
And I'll admit I still had feelings for my ex-boyfriend but after a while, I started to think, "You don't, you don't, you don't mean anything to me," as Simple Plan will rock out. And while I'm a little screwed up, music seems to make some things better. But "I'm not okay," continues My Chemical Romance, so I'm probably not really okay. "Adam's Song" is just totally about offing yourself, but Augustana, in "Stars and Boulevards" give a melancholy chorus of "Oh...seems like like I'm always on my own/Seems like I'm never coming home/Seems like I'm always on my own and I.../All the stars and boulevards aren't close enough for you".
So am I hurt? "It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better". Does my ex mean anything to me? "You don't....You don't mean anything to me!" Am I okay? "I'm not okay!" How's my hear and mental stability? "I tear my heart open/I sew myself shut/My weakness is/I can't do much/My scars remind me/The past is real" ("Scars" by Papa Roach). Will I do anything drastic? "Tomorrow holds such better days/Days when I can still feel alive" ("Adam's Song" by Blink 182).
Songs can explain for me. But I don't care what you think about me because, "You Don't, You Don't, You Don't,, You Don't Mean Anything to Me"
I've been listening to some music lately. Mostly about heartbreak and being hurt. This just happened to be one of the songs. I also have Augustana's "Stars and Boulevards", Papa Roach's "Scars", Blink 182's "Adam's Song", and My Chemical Romance's "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)".
Like Keith Urban said about heartbreak in his song "Tonight I Wanna Cry", he croons, "It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better." And maybe I'm only feeling a lot of emotions and guilt since my break up with my boyfriend. I bet you Mr. Urban is right about that.
And I'll admit I still had feelings for my ex-boyfriend but after a while, I started to think, "You don't, you don't, you don't mean anything to me," as Simple Plan will rock out. And while I'm a little screwed up, music seems to make some things better. But "I'm not okay," continues My Chemical Romance, so I'm probably not really okay. "Adam's Song" is just totally about offing yourself, but Augustana, in "Stars and Boulevards" give a melancholy chorus of "Oh...seems like like I'm always on my own/Seems like I'm never coming home/Seems like I'm always on my own and I.../All the stars and boulevards aren't close enough for you".
So am I hurt? "It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better". Does my ex mean anything to me? "You don't....You don't mean anything to me!" Am I okay? "I'm not okay!" How's my hear and mental stability? "I tear my heart open/I sew myself shut/My weakness is/I can't do much/My scars remind me/The past is real" ("Scars" by Papa Roach). Will I do anything drastic? "Tomorrow holds such better days/Days when I can still feel alive" ("Adam's Song" by Blink 182).
Songs can explain for me. But I don't care what you think about me because, "You Don't, You Don't, You Don't,, You Don't Mean Anything to Me"
I'm NOT Who You Think I Am
No, I'm definitely not who you think I am, now that I really think about what I've been blogging. Even those of you who really do know me, I am definitely not who you think I am. There are few who know the real me.
The real me, that I manage to cover up for the most part, is a sad little pathetic person. I have a very hot temper and I'm quick to get angry very, very fast. Anger management, don't get me started on that. The real me is actually very depressed. The real me I cannot even put into words.
And I'm not all that great at acting, or so people tell me, but they don't know what I'm hiding. They don't know what I wish I could be. They don't anything. My family, and even my friends, I don't tell them some of the things that reach this blog. In fact, few of them know about this blog of mine.
Hmm....perhaps my moods have been changing drastically. Maybe I need help. But then again, doesn't everyone need help in this death ridden world? We're all doomed anyway. Isn't like we spend our whole lives waiting to die? Discovering atheism has opened my eyes. After what I've been through these past months, I am no longer a stable, mentally, happy person. So spare me.
I try so hard to be what I'm not, and I fear that if I go and be what I really am, I'm going to hurt a lot of people. I can be positive, I can talk about inspiration, I can tell you all about love, but really, that just isn't me. Perhaps I am living a lie. I am so confused.
But the one thing I know is that I'm NOT who you think I am. I am not even what I think I am. And perhaps I just need to take some time and think.
I mean, in general, and I don't mean to brag, a lot of people get along well with me. I don't understand how it's so easy for me to be who I am not in front of people. I mean, what game am I playing? It's not living if you're trying to be someone you aren't.
Like I said, few know the real me. Kate, who I've mentioned, probably is the only one who understands me right now. She knows I've got problems. She knows my temper flares easily if people aren't careful. And she's the closest anyone will get to know the real me.
Sure, me and her can have our laughs and our jokes, but we know we're both covering up things. We know that we're not really being ourselves. And maybe that's what makes us friends, like I said before in another post, we're only who we really are, or something like it, to each other.
I'm sure most of you wouldn't understand. But under every nice person's outer shell, there's something evil and mysterious lurking. And on some people, who are already falling apart, they don't have that shell. They just have denial.
The real me, that I manage to cover up for the most part, is a sad little pathetic person. I have a very hot temper and I'm quick to get angry very, very fast. Anger management, don't get me started on that. The real me is actually very depressed. The real me I cannot even put into words.
And I'm not all that great at acting, or so people tell me, but they don't know what I'm hiding. They don't know what I wish I could be. They don't anything. My family, and even my friends, I don't tell them some of the things that reach this blog. In fact, few of them know about this blog of mine.
Hmm....perhaps my moods have been changing drastically. Maybe I need help. But then again, doesn't everyone need help in this death ridden world? We're all doomed anyway. Isn't like we spend our whole lives waiting to die? Discovering atheism has opened my eyes. After what I've been through these past months, I am no longer a stable, mentally, happy person. So spare me.
I try so hard to be what I'm not, and I fear that if I go and be what I really am, I'm going to hurt a lot of people. I can be positive, I can talk about inspiration, I can tell you all about love, but really, that just isn't me. Perhaps I am living a lie. I am so confused.
But the one thing I know is that I'm NOT who you think I am. I am not even what I think I am. And perhaps I just need to take some time and think.
I mean, in general, and I don't mean to brag, a lot of people get along well with me. I don't understand how it's so easy for me to be who I am not in front of people. I mean, what game am I playing? It's not living if you're trying to be someone you aren't.
Like I said, few know the real me. Kate, who I've mentioned, probably is the only one who understands me right now. She knows I've got problems. She knows my temper flares easily if people aren't careful. And she's the closest anyone will get to know the real me.
Sure, me and her can have our laughs and our jokes, but we know we're both covering up things. We know that we're not really being ourselves. And maybe that's what makes us friends, like I said before in another post, we're only who we really are, or something like it, to each other.
I'm sure most of you wouldn't understand. But under every nice person's outer shell, there's something evil and mysterious lurking. And on some people, who are already falling apart, they don't have that shell. They just have denial.
One Year Anniversery
Ha, I guess I forgot that I've been blogging for a year already! On August 4th, that was when I started this blog last year. Guess I was too wrapped up in other things. Thanks for reading!
8.18.2008
Conversations with My Best Friend, Part 1
I was sitting at camp one day with my friend. It was "pool time", but we also had the option of hanging around the area and playing cards. So, like we've done for so many years, we pulled out decks of cards and played Spit and BS occasionally with other people who cared to play with us.
"You know, you're not like my other friends at school," my best friend, let's call her Kate, just because I know she doesn't want her real name out there.
"Really?" I replied, attempting to shuffle the cards we were playing with.
She shrugged, taking the cards from me and shuffling them now. "You don't call me emo like my other friends."
I laughed. "People call you emo?! I never would dream of calling you that!"
She smiled, handing me the deck so I could cut it. "Well, you're a lot like me. I mean, not emo or anything, but you know."
"Yea, I know what you mean," I grinned, cutting the deck perfectly. That was my 11th time to do it perfectly...and it's still counting.
Kate and I only see each other during the summer, at camp. A couple of times outside camp. But we really do consider each other best friends. It's like because we don't see each other that often that we don't get sick of each other. We don't fight, we don't argue. It's a pretty cool relationship.
But Kate is also a very quiet person. She talks to few about personal things, and is, very quiet. I figured that's why people think she's a little depressed. Her parents are divorced, and it's not something she talks about to everyone. I think it makes me feel better that we can share stuff like that with each other, and keep secrets.
But anyway, she's not happy about her parents divorce. She sees her father (who she dislikes a lot) every other weekend. I don't really know her at school, but she seems like the kind of person who can make friends, but best friends don't come as easy. In fact, she's a lot like me. We keep to ourselves, so it seems, and don't share with a lot of people, although we're good at making friends, best friends are hard to come by.
And I think that's what makes her my best friend. Because if you see us together, you might call us two different people. No longer the quiet people we were. I can tell you, as much as I might seem humorous and rebellious, it might just be a shell to cover up that emotional pain that has built up over the years from things that I have not yet, and will not, tell all of you about. The difference between me and Kate is that I cover up with humor and rebellion, while she just remains quiet.
And I'm sure if you met Kate and then met me, you'd choose Kate over me. Kate, in a way, is everything I wish I could be. But maybe, wanting to be someone else isn't exactly the greatest thought. But she's admirable.
But we're so alike in many ways. Our interests are almost identical, it's scary. We're not the kind to keep in fashion, and love shorts and t-shirts. Guys, we get along pretty well with, and each of us has had one break-up. She dumped him, I got dumped. But we've agreed that "love sucks". Heck, we're teenagers, so what else are we gonna think?
And why should you care that I have a best friend, who I've called Kate in this post? Well, I think that everyone needs someone. Not someone to love, but a real friend, and I think I've said that before. Okay, maybe I love Kate like a sister, like best friend love, but you know what I mean. You always need someone to fallback on and have to be a fallback for another person.
Friends are important. Very important to me since I'm not all that well off with my family. And I think that's another reason Kate and I wish we'd see each other more often. But getting stuck at home with busy parents, or in her case, a busy 'parent', keeps us from a fifteen minute drive to see each other. And we constantly tell our parents about each other.
And I think, if I didn't meet Kate, or didn't make friends with her, I'd be one very lost person. I'll admit that I've had some problems. Mental problems. Like depression and anxiety. It's people like her that keep me breathing, and keep me alive. They're what I have to live for right now. They're all I live for actually. And so you take my friends away, I die slowly too.
"You know, you're not like my other friends at school," my best friend, let's call her Kate, just because I know she doesn't want her real name out there.
"Really?" I replied, attempting to shuffle the cards we were playing with.
She shrugged, taking the cards from me and shuffling them now. "You don't call me emo like my other friends."
I laughed. "People call you emo?! I never would dream of calling you that!"
She smiled, handing me the deck so I could cut it. "Well, you're a lot like me. I mean, not emo or anything, but you know."
"Yea, I know what you mean," I grinned, cutting the deck perfectly. That was my 11th time to do it perfectly...and it's still counting.
Kate and I only see each other during the summer, at camp. A couple of times outside camp. But we really do consider each other best friends. It's like because we don't see each other that often that we don't get sick of each other. We don't fight, we don't argue. It's a pretty cool relationship.
But Kate is also a very quiet person. She talks to few about personal things, and is, very quiet. I figured that's why people think she's a little depressed. Her parents are divorced, and it's not something she talks about to everyone. I think it makes me feel better that we can share stuff like that with each other, and keep secrets.
But anyway, she's not happy about her parents divorce. She sees her father (who she dislikes a lot) every other weekend. I don't really know her at school, but she seems like the kind of person who can make friends, but best friends don't come as easy. In fact, she's a lot like me. We keep to ourselves, so it seems, and don't share with a lot of people, although we're good at making friends, best friends are hard to come by.
And I think that's what makes her my best friend. Because if you see us together, you might call us two different people. No longer the quiet people we were. I can tell you, as much as I might seem humorous and rebellious, it might just be a shell to cover up that emotional pain that has built up over the years from things that I have not yet, and will not, tell all of you about. The difference between me and Kate is that I cover up with humor and rebellion, while she just remains quiet.
And I'm sure if you met Kate and then met me, you'd choose Kate over me. Kate, in a way, is everything I wish I could be. But maybe, wanting to be someone else isn't exactly the greatest thought. But she's admirable.
But we're so alike in many ways. Our interests are almost identical, it's scary. We're not the kind to keep in fashion, and love shorts and t-shirts. Guys, we get along pretty well with, and each of us has had one break-up. She dumped him, I got dumped. But we've agreed that "love sucks". Heck, we're teenagers, so what else are we gonna think?
And why should you care that I have a best friend, who I've called Kate in this post? Well, I think that everyone needs someone. Not someone to love, but a real friend, and I think I've said that before. Okay, maybe I love Kate like a sister, like best friend love, but you know what I mean. You always need someone to fallback on and have to be a fallback for another person.
Friends are important. Very important to me since I'm not all that well off with my family. And I think that's another reason Kate and I wish we'd see each other more often. But getting stuck at home with busy parents, or in her case, a busy 'parent', keeps us from a fifteen minute drive to see each other. And we constantly tell our parents about each other.
And I think, if I didn't meet Kate, or didn't make friends with her, I'd be one very lost person. I'll admit that I've had some problems. Mental problems. Like depression and anxiety. It's people like her that keep me breathing, and keep me alive. They're what I have to live for right now. They're all I live for actually. And so you take my friends away, I die slowly too.
8.14.2008
Just Who I Am Today, Part 1
I've decided to take some time and look back what's happened to me over the past couple of years. These past years have probably been the best and worst years of my life. The best because I've learned so much and felt so much good emotion and finally established a friend I know I can rely on. Not to mention that I've made other accomplishments like winning awards and what not. Maybe the worst years of my life because I've lost a lot too. But I think what I've lost is what I'm more focused on right now. But then again, the things I've suffered through made me discover a few things about myself.
But as of today. I think of myself as a rebel. I think of someone who wants to stand out and be different than the others. I'm the kind of person that's either going to go out in style or find the end very soon. Right now, I'm also a pessimist, and that's okay because humor always finds me and I guess that's a good thing. I'm also the world's clumsiest person. For every ten steps I take, I trip at least twice. Just ask my friends. I spend a lot more time on the ground than on my feet.
I would like to say I've grown a little too. I've learned how to deal with loss. I've dealt with a close death for the first time. And I made it through alive and right now I'm doing great. I've also just dealt with love loss and a broken heart that still needs mending. But what I've lost has only made me discover more.
I think my discovery of FanFiction is worthy of mentioning. After my two friends died, another friend told me to go on FanFiction and read some stupid stuff to make me laugh. And I did and I ended up writing my own stuff and it's helped me discover that my writing isn't all that bad. I've communicated with some new people and shared some opinions and discussed some disagreements, but everything works out in the end.
Maybe I've even matured a little. Although sometimes I feel like I don't ever want to grow up. I've been put back into some kind of track that will bring me back to fitting in, but again, being a rebel has always been me. I don't think that will ever change. I think you've heard my discovery of atheism and that doesn't have to go any further. Let's not get started on that because I'll ramble.
But I've also discovered new friends. And I've learned how to find the people I can trust and unlike before, I'm currently happy with my social network I have. And I know how I've talked about supporting gay rights, and I'm going to tell you a little bit why I feel so strongly about gays having rights. It's been a while since I've known these two friends. We usually only see each other in the summer, and keeping in touch over the other months is easy when you have email and texting. But they confessed that they were gay. And they're the two people I'm glad to call friends because they've taught me a whole lot.
This is the reason why I stand so firmly by my belief in gays having the same rights as straight people. They taught me so much and they still do. I'm not just glad to call them friends, I'm proud because there's nothing wrong with them. Nothing should stand in the way of love.
Moving on, today I am just glad I've made it this far in life. I've got a long road still, or maybe I'm almost at the end. Who knows what lies ahead in the future? I could change a lot, or I could still be the same clumsy, rebellious, idiot I am.
That's just who I am, what I am, and how I am today.
But as of today. I think of myself as a rebel. I think of someone who wants to stand out and be different than the others. I'm the kind of person that's either going to go out in style or find the end very soon. Right now, I'm also a pessimist, and that's okay because humor always finds me and I guess that's a good thing. I'm also the world's clumsiest person. For every ten steps I take, I trip at least twice. Just ask my friends. I spend a lot more time on the ground than on my feet.
I would like to say I've grown a little too. I've learned how to deal with loss. I've dealt with a close death for the first time. And I made it through alive and right now I'm doing great. I've also just dealt with love loss and a broken heart that still needs mending. But what I've lost has only made me discover more.
I think my discovery of FanFiction is worthy of mentioning. After my two friends died, another friend told me to go on FanFiction and read some stupid stuff to make me laugh. And I did and I ended up writing my own stuff and it's helped me discover that my writing isn't all that bad. I've communicated with some new people and shared some opinions and discussed some disagreements, but everything works out in the end.
Maybe I've even matured a little. Although sometimes I feel like I don't ever want to grow up. I've been put back into some kind of track that will bring me back to fitting in, but again, being a rebel has always been me. I don't think that will ever change. I think you've heard my discovery of atheism and that doesn't have to go any further. Let's not get started on that because I'll ramble.
But I've also discovered new friends. And I've learned how to find the people I can trust and unlike before, I'm currently happy with my social network I have. And I know how I've talked about supporting gay rights, and I'm going to tell you a little bit why I feel so strongly about gays having rights. It's been a while since I've known these two friends. We usually only see each other in the summer, and keeping in touch over the other months is easy when you have email and texting. But they confessed that they were gay. And they're the two people I'm glad to call friends because they've taught me a whole lot.
This is the reason why I stand so firmly by my belief in gays having the same rights as straight people. They taught me so much and they still do. I'm not just glad to call them friends, I'm proud because there's nothing wrong with them. Nothing should stand in the way of love.
Moving on, today I am just glad I've made it this far in life. I've got a long road still, or maybe I'm almost at the end. Who knows what lies ahead in the future? I could change a lot, or I could still be the same clumsy, rebellious, idiot I am.
That's just who I am, what I am, and how I am today.
8.11.2008
My New FanFiction Website
It's my official website for the fanfictions I've written on FanFiction.net. Please visit it here!
http://sites.google.com/site/mynameiscabff/
http://sites.google.com/site/mynameiscabff/
8.01.2008
Just Today
You know, just today, I was thinking about my friend's funeral I went to in March. Now July, that seems like a long time ago, but it really wasn't. Not when you've lost somebody like that.
Now in the warmth of the summer, it's hard not to remember how I stood in the blistering cold for almost four hours for the wake, to bid my friend another goodbye. I told myself I wouldn't let this goodbye be any different then the other goodbyes, because afterall, that's not how he would have wanted it to be.
But it felt like the last goodbye. And I cried and cried even until I walked out of the funeral home and down the street to my car with my friends and even at midnight when I got home and got some warm food into me, it felt like a lifetime had passed and everything seemed so hopeless.
But the funeral was amazingly warm for March and we sat in the church and we tried to remember all the good that our friend had brought us because he was truly a kind soul that was going to live in us forever, according to the priest.
And while I might be an atheist, it was probably the nicest funeral I've ever attended. Only at the end, did I get that full tug at my heart as we placed flowers onto the coffin and said what was really, the final goodbye.
But I look back at the experience and see how much that taught me. Dealing with loss is easy when you've got people to help you get through. Friends. The people who knew him too.
And so the end of a life is really just a beginning of a new one, a new day, and a new era.
Now in the warmth of the summer, it's hard not to remember how I stood in the blistering cold for almost four hours for the wake, to bid my friend another goodbye. I told myself I wouldn't let this goodbye be any different then the other goodbyes, because afterall, that's not how he would have wanted it to be.
But it felt like the last goodbye. And I cried and cried even until I walked out of the funeral home and down the street to my car with my friends and even at midnight when I got home and got some warm food into me, it felt like a lifetime had passed and everything seemed so hopeless.
But the funeral was amazingly warm for March and we sat in the church and we tried to remember all the good that our friend had brought us because he was truly a kind soul that was going to live in us forever, according to the priest.
And while I might be an atheist, it was probably the nicest funeral I've ever attended. Only at the end, did I get that full tug at my heart as we placed flowers onto the coffin and said what was really, the final goodbye.
But I look back at the experience and see how much that taught me. Dealing with loss is easy when you've got people to help you get through. Friends. The people who knew him too.
And so the end of a life is really just a beginning of a new one, a new day, and a new era.
7.22.2008
Getting Through the Summer
I wish so badly that the summer would be over because I'd just like to get back to school and get this year over with. But I also wish the summer would never end so I wouldn't have to face my ex-boyfriend. But then again, I just want school to come so I can know that he doesn't think I'm a total bitch or an asshole or whatever.
I don't know how this is all going to work out in the end because I know either way it's only going to hurt bad before it gets better. That's how most things work. You gotta feel the pain before you heal, or you wouldn't have healed at all. Pain is a big key to life. Learning to deal with it is an even greater door opener.
Then there's this part of me that feels really sad and really guilty and really angry. It's that part of me that wishes that I could turn back time and just make things better. It also wants me to make the pain go away, no matter how I do it. I'm being torn apart by what I want and what I need.
What I need is to pick myself up and move on. I can't stay here and mope around feeling sorry for myself, even if I'll be looked down upon for what I've done. What I want is not to move on, what I want is not realistic yet somehow it might just need. What I need is to tell the world that I don't care what they think. But what I want is to hide in the shadows because I'm afraid of what they think. And what I need is a lot of help. But what I want, really want, is to just figure out a way by myself even though I know I can't.
This is all very complicated now and it's hard to understand unless you really truly know me, which you don't.
But I'm hoping I'll get through this summer, just scarred, but not for life. That's what I need. Not what I want.
I don't know how this is all going to work out in the end because I know either way it's only going to hurt bad before it gets better. That's how most things work. You gotta feel the pain before you heal, or you wouldn't have healed at all. Pain is a big key to life. Learning to deal with it is an even greater door opener.
Then there's this part of me that feels really sad and really guilty and really angry. It's that part of me that wishes that I could turn back time and just make things better. It also wants me to make the pain go away, no matter how I do it. I'm being torn apart by what I want and what I need.
What I need is to pick myself up and move on. I can't stay here and mope around feeling sorry for myself, even if I'll be looked down upon for what I've done. What I want is not to move on, what I want is not realistic yet somehow it might just need. What I need is to tell the world that I don't care what they think. But what I want is to hide in the shadows because I'm afraid of what they think. And what I need is a lot of help. But what I want, really want, is to just figure out a way by myself even though I know I can't.
This is all very complicated now and it's hard to understand unless you really truly know me, which you don't.
But I'm hoping I'll get through this summer, just scarred, but not for life. That's what I need. Not what I want.
7.20.2008
No Religion
If we had a world with no religion, then a lot of things wouldn't have happened. It's a very big and very good point Richard Dawkins makes in his book The God Delusion. Though I have not yet read through it entirely, he's already got it into my head that we would be better off without believing in things like gods and higher powers.
If religion didn't exist, then 9/11 would never have happened. There would be no polygamy to deal with, no 'In God We Trust' and no Pledge of Alligance to that piece of cloth we call the American flag. An Atheist I am right now. Don't say I won't change later, but praying to God on a hospital bed isn't going to save me.
No, sir. Religion cannot save any of us. It's only going to cause more problems, kill us quicker. Why, our government is so pointed to God. Every dollar bill says 'In God We Trust' and why do we have 'God Bless America' as a patriotic song. What about those who don't believe in God. What about people like me and possible people like you?
Point to the sky, there's just clouds and outer space. No, I'm sorry, but God isn't up there or around us. Yes, I have faith. I have faith in people. Yes, I believe. I believe in things like love, people, and that the Mets will someday win a World Series. Do I look to God for this help. No. I look to myself, I look at others, and I look at the world around me. I see no God.
God cannot save us. Neither can religion, like I said before. I'm not trying to be so against religion though, because I respect what you all believe, but I'm just making a point that scientifically, God does not exist.
There is no proof that God or any higher power like God created us or anything around us. Evolution is what happened folks. Nothing more.
Sure, I might not make sense at all, but I mean get real. It's going to take a lot more than a bible or holy scriptures to make me believe in any religion.
In religion like that, I see destruction. Some people might consider Atheism a religion, and so it might be, but you all know that I'm talking about God and higher powers. Whether it's God, Allah, Yahweh, ect, it's all the same.
While some morals are good from believing in stuff like that, it doesn't always point us in the right direction. The Catholic religion says that same sex marriages and couples and relationships are bad. I'd STRONGLY disagree with that. If religion didn't exist, that stupid idea of homosexuals are bad would never exist!!!
God (and other higher powers like Him) are also teaching us wrong things. Too many political systems are based on this and it's tearing our world apart. There is nothing wrong with same sex relationships. Only because of religion, it is looked down upon. In some other dimension, on a different path, with no religion, same sex marriages would exist along with different sex marriages.
Perhaps it's just me. I'm the kind that likes to find ways to rebel. I'm the kind that will still do when someone says don't. That's just who I am. And you can't change me.
If religion didn't exist, then 9/11 would never have happened. There would be no polygamy to deal with, no 'In God We Trust' and no Pledge of Alligance to that piece of cloth we call the American flag. An Atheist I am right now. Don't say I won't change later, but praying to God on a hospital bed isn't going to save me.
No, sir. Religion cannot save any of us. It's only going to cause more problems, kill us quicker. Why, our government is so pointed to God. Every dollar bill says 'In God We Trust' and why do we have 'God Bless America' as a patriotic song. What about those who don't believe in God. What about people like me and possible people like you?
Point to the sky, there's just clouds and outer space. No, I'm sorry, but God isn't up there or around us. Yes, I have faith. I have faith in people. Yes, I believe. I believe in things like love, people, and that the Mets will someday win a World Series. Do I look to God for this help. No. I look to myself, I look at others, and I look at the world around me. I see no God.
God cannot save us. Neither can religion, like I said before. I'm not trying to be so against religion though, because I respect what you all believe, but I'm just making a point that scientifically, God does not exist.
There is no proof that God or any higher power like God created us or anything around us. Evolution is what happened folks. Nothing more.
Sure, I might not make sense at all, but I mean get real. It's going to take a lot more than a bible or holy scriptures to make me believe in any religion.
In religion like that, I see destruction. Some people might consider Atheism a religion, and so it might be, but you all know that I'm talking about God and higher powers. Whether it's God, Allah, Yahweh, ect, it's all the same.
While some morals are good from believing in stuff like that, it doesn't always point us in the right direction. The Catholic religion says that same sex marriages and couples and relationships are bad. I'd STRONGLY disagree with that. If religion didn't exist, that stupid idea of homosexuals are bad would never exist!!!
God (and other higher powers like Him) are also teaching us wrong things. Too many political systems are based on this and it's tearing our world apart. There is nothing wrong with same sex relationships. Only because of religion, it is looked down upon. In some other dimension, on a different path, with no religion, same sex marriages would exist along with different sex marriages.
Perhaps it's just me. I'm the kind that likes to find ways to rebel. I'm the kind that will still do when someone says don't. That's just who I am. And you can't change me.
Getting it Together
I'd like to congratulate the Mets on their win against the Cincinnati Reds earlier. It's quite the miracle right now. Since I've resorted to them, trying not to think about my old boyfriend who I just broke up with.
It's quite amazing, that the Mets have so many flaws, that they can sometimes just pull themselves together. I wish my life were like that. Lose a few, but come back anyway and it's all better. Hmm...that would be cool. Unfortunately, I can keep wishing and nothing will ever happen.
The other day, I just agreed with my best friend that love sucks. I mean, it does. I've experienced great love, but it does suck once you lose it. It's something that a person has to agree to once and right now I'm agreeing to it right now.
Good thing there's still a summer to get through and recover and I'll just go back hoping that all my friends will still be there supporting me. If not...If not...Let's hope there's no 'if not'. But if not, I'll get over it, pull myself up, and get back to moving on because that's all we can do in life, right?
It's quite amazing, that the Mets have so many flaws, that they can sometimes just pull themselves together. I wish my life were like that. Lose a few, but come back anyway and it's all better. Hmm...that would be cool. Unfortunately, I can keep wishing and nothing will ever happen.
The other day, I just agreed with my best friend that love sucks. I mean, it does. I've experienced great love, but it does suck once you lose it. It's something that a person has to agree to once and right now I'm agreeing to it right now.
Good thing there's still a summer to get through and recover and I'll just go back hoping that all my friends will still be there supporting me. If not...If not...Let's hope there's no 'if not'. But if not, I'll get over it, pull myself up, and get back to moving on because that's all we can do in life, right?
Breaking Up is Hard To Do
Yea, okay, so my boyfriend and I broke up. You know, things like this when we're so young don't ever last. I've pretty much curled up under a rock for most of yesterday. I'll get over it. Or maybe guilt will kill me because it was my fault that I screwed it all up.
I took the blame. And it was really my fault anyway. But people are telling me that I ruined something beautiful, something that could have lasted for at least the next five years. No, they're wrong. Things like this don't ever last. You don't go and date your best friend because if you break up you lose them too.
I don't know how things will turn out after the summer. By now, I'm sure, word has spread of what I've done and I'll be looked down upon for the rest of the school year. It doesn't matter. I was made to be a loner anyway. Maybe things will work out and I'll still be friends with my ex-bf, but awkwardness will probably get the best of us and we'll be dodging each other in the hallway as people give us looks of disgust or sympathy.
To tell you the truth, this happened almost two weeks ago. I've just been in denial. And now I'm here telling anyone who bothers to read my blog. If I could go back and change things, I would. Maybe I wouldn't have taken the blame and just left it as we broke up for no real reason at all, just happened. If only it could be that way though.
And so it seemed I recovered. I started working on some writing. But then I get this message from the popular girl in my school. She says she heard and I asked her from who and she said that my ex told his best friend who was the twin of the popular girl's best friend who told the popular girl who will probably tell the anyone who will listen. So pretty much. I'm screwed.
So I fucked up. Big deal. Guilt will weigh me down. I'll find some way to get rid of it or deal with it. Jesus Christ. Love sucks.
I'll try to go on like nothing happened. It was my fault and it hurts and somehow I know that I should have just agreed to breaking up instead of pouring my heart out into a five page text message to my ex-bf telling him the truth. The truth hurts. It's not always the best thing to tell. Trust me on that.
The only probably is...All my friends were his and getting any of them back would be close to impossible. I've built my whole social life with guys, leaning on a few gals every now and then because I've just known them since pre-k. Now I'm left with a couple of friends. My best friend doesn't even go to my school and so she'll be of no help.
It's time to rebuild an empire. It will consist of few as I try and go off to be that girl you stay away from because of what you heard that happened. But I brought down someone else too. That person who convinced me that I should break up with him, even though he was the one that came out and said we probably should first because things were becoming too distant between the two of us and I fucking poured my heart out to him telling him that.
But I don't expect much anymore. I'll get through this last year in this school and move on to build a new circle of friends in high school. I'll leave all the shit behind and move on in a couple of years because no one will remember me.
But like I said, it's time I stop getting so sensitive to people and stop letting them walk all over me. If I'm lucky, everyone who hears what I've screwed up will forget by the end of the summer and I can go to school and everything will be okay except everything between me and my ex and all of his friends who probably won't talk to me anymore.
As for now, I'm restarting the process of forgetting all over again because guilt just kicked in again.
The steroid using, Barry Bonds once said: "Love me, hate me...I don't give a fuck."
And so, I just might agree with Bonds for once and tell everyone that I don't really care what they think about me anymore because in all truth, I don't. Life is complicated. So is love. And love sucks. That's what my best friend says and she's the smart one of the two of us.
Love is something untouchable. Few can be happy with it, or so it seems right? I don't know about later, but I think the only love I need right now is the care that my remaining friends can supply me.
And so, I sign off this morning, hoping the burning sun can melt the guilt away.
I took the blame. And it was really my fault anyway. But people are telling me that I ruined something beautiful, something that could have lasted for at least the next five years. No, they're wrong. Things like this don't ever last. You don't go and date your best friend because if you break up you lose them too.
I don't know how things will turn out after the summer. By now, I'm sure, word has spread of what I've done and I'll be looked down upon for the rest of the school year. It doesn't matter. I was made to be a loner anyway. Maybe things will work out and I'll still be friends with my ex-bf, but awkwardness will probably get the best of us and we'll be dodging each other in the hallway as people give us looks of disgust or sympathy.
To tell you the truth, this happened almost two weeks ago. I've just been in denial. And now I'm here telling anyone who bothers to read my blog. If I could go back and change things, I would. Maybe I wouldn't have taken the blame and just left it as we broke up for no real reason at all, just happened. If only it could be that way though.
And so it seemed I recovered. I started working on some writing. But then I get this message from the popular girl in my school. She says she heard and I asked her from who and she said that my ex told his best friend who was the twin of the popular girl's best friend who told the popular girl who will probably tell the anyone who will listen. So pretty much. I'm screwed.
So I fucked up. Big deal. Guilt will weigh me down. I'll find some way to get rid of it or deal with it. Jesus Christ. Love sucks.
I'll try to go on like nothing happened. It was my fault and it hurts and somehow I know that I should have just agreed to breaking up instead of pouring my heart out into a five page text message to my ex-bf telling him the truth. The truth hurts. It's not always the best thing to tell. Trust me on that.
The only probably is...All my friends were his and getting any of them back would be close to impossible. I've built my whole social life with guys, leaning on a few gals every now and then because I've just known them since pre-k. Now I'm left with a couple of friends. My best friend doesn't even go to my school and so she'll be of no help.
It's time to rebuild an empire. It will consist of few as I try and go off to be that girl you stay away from because of what you heard that happened. But I brought down someone else too. That person who convinced me that I should break up with him, even though he was the one that came out and said we probably should first because things were becoming too distant between the two of us and I fucking poured my heart out to him telling him that.
But I don't expect much anymore. I'll get through this last year in this school and move on to build a new circle of friends in high school. I'll leave all the shit behind and move on in a couple of years because no one will remember me.
But like I said, it's time I stop getting so sensitive to people and stop letting them walk all over me. If I'm lucky, everyone who hears what I've screwed up will forget by the end of the summer and I can go to school and everything will be okay except everything between me and my ex and all of his friends who probably won't talk to me anymore.
As for now, I'm restarting the process of forgetting all over again because guilt just kicked in again.
The steroid using, Barry Bonds once said: "Love me, hate me...I don't give a fuck."
And so, I just might agree with Bonds for once and tell everyone that I don't really care what they think about me anymore because in all truth, I don't. Life is complicated. So is love. And love sucks. That's what my best friend says and she's the smart one of the two of us.
Love is something untouchable. Few can be happy with it, or so it seems right? I don't know about later, but I think the only love I need right now is the care that my remaining friends can supply me.
And so, I sign off this morning, hoping the burning sun can melt the guilt away.
7.18.2008
A Real Friend
For so long I've struggled to find people that are really my friends. I've been let down, back stabbed, betrayed, and spit upon too many times to count. There are few people that I would even go to in a time of need.
As much as I've said that my boyfriend is one of my best friends, he's not my best, best friend. My best, best friend is someone who is actually a lot like me. In fact, we have so much in common it's scary. Our music tastes are exactly the same, our views on life differ little. But I also feel she's someone I admire because there are so many qualities that she has that I don't.
Sure we've had our arguments, but soon after it's looked at and laughed at. She easily forgives and she's easily forgivable. There are so many things I can laugh at with her that others would just frown upon or laugh at, while she will laugh with me. If I haven't told you before, I'm about the most clumsiest person in the world and I'm always tripping and getting hurt.
I easily make a fool of myself, but she's that helping hand that will help me up. She'll stick up for me when I'm being made fun of and I'll be there for her and it all works out. She's my definition of a real friend, a true real friend that is. While my boyfriend goes to the extent as a friend, meaning someone that I can trust, but the relationship isn't secure, like the one I have with my best, best friend.
It's complicated, it's hard to understand, friendship. But once you find someone that makes you feel safe, feel cared for, and a lot of other things that you can't put into words, you've found a real true friend.
As much as I've said that my boyfriend is one of my best friends, he's not my best, best friend. My best, best friend is someone who is actually a lot like me. In fact, we have so much in common it's scary. Our music tastes are exactly the same, our views on life differ little. But I also feel she's someone I admire because there are so many qualities that she has that I don't.
Sure we've had our arguments, but soon after it's looked at and laughed at. She easily forgives and she's easily forgivable. There are so many things I can laugh at with her that others would just frown upon or laugh at, while she will laugh with me. If I haven't told you before, I'm about the most clumsiest person in the world and I'm always tripping and getting hurt.
I easily make a fool of myself, but she's that helping hand that will help me up. She'll stick up for me when I'm being made fun of and I'll be there for her and it all works out. She's my definition of a real friend, a true real friend that is. While my boyfriend goes to the extent as a friend, meaning someone that I can trust, but the relationship isn't secure, like the one I have with my best, best friend.
It's complicated, it's hard to understand, friendship. But once you find someone that makes you feel safe, feel cared for, and a lot of other things that you can't put into words, you've found a real true friend.
7.13.2008
Talking to Myself
I went to the beach today and sat wear the ocean meats the land and let the waves just dab my toes, thinking about random things that probably aren't random at all. I thought about how beautiful the ocean can be. It reminded me of a friend I used to have and so I went off thinking about past relationships and the sun was there to cheer me up.
Hours must have went by and eventually the tide was going to soak me, but I didn't care. I didn't care if little kids ran around kicking up sand or that annoying guy speaking in another language behind me was blabbering to his girlfriend about something that I vaguely picked up to be about soccer. There, sitting on that beach, I was in my own world talking to myself, just thinking for a little while and to clear my head.
When I returned to where the rest of my family (partial family at least) I sat and ate lunch and no one questioned my absence. In reality, only an hour had passed, but it seemed like forever sitting there.
I read a book, Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, and thought about how our future could turn out to be very, very demented like that. Then I turned my attention to The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and pondered whether I should become an atheist after the amazing points he makes, including what if there was no religion in our world.
I got stuck in traffic, listened to a few sad songs and got home just in time to eat some food and catch up with ESPN with the latest sports news before some MLB game which I decided I wouldn't watch tonight no matter how much the TV was begging me to be a lazy ass.
But the thing on my mind all day was something that happened...something I'm not willing to share right now. It's something hard, something that happened and I'm not quite letting go. Something that will alter my life and my feelings about many things.
Okay...enough for tonight...I gotta go.
Hours must have went by and eventually the tide was going to soak me, but I didn't care. I didn't care if little kids ran around kicking up sand or that annoying guy speaking in another language behind me was blabbering to his girlfriend about something that I vaguely picked up to be about soccer. There, sitting on that beach, I was in my own world talking to myself, just thinking for a little while and to clear my head.
When I returned to where the rest of my family (partial family at least) I sat and ate lunch and no one questioned my absence. In reality, only an hour had passed, but it seemed like forever sitting there.
I read a book, Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, and thought about how our future could turn out to be very, very demented like that. Then I turned my attention to The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and pondered whether I should become an atheist after the amazing points he makes, including what if there was no religion in our world.
I got stuck in traffic, listened to a few sad songs and got home just in time to eat some food and catch up with ESPN with the latest sports news before some MLB game which I decided I wouldn't watch tonight no matter how much the TV was begging me to be a lazy ass.
But the thing on my mind all day was something that happened...something I'm not willing to share right now. It's something hard, something that happened and I'm not quite letting go. Something that will alter my life and my feelings about many things.
Okay...enough for tonight...I gotta go.
7.06.2008
Finding God, Love, and Faith
There is a part of me that questions the existence of God. I have never really been a practicing Catholic like my grandparents and parents. They have never made me have that faith, although they do push me to believe. The last time I attended church was for a funeral...and that was not a time to restore and beliefs in some kind of God. No, not after a life so precious and young had been taken away because the town refused to change the speed limit in a residential area.
Perhaps it is because I'd like to be different, to stand out and be a non-believer once. But then again, can I believe without holding something kind of religious standing? Some might argue. I might argue too. I mean, how I can I have seen so many baseball miracles without believing in God? How can so many wonderful things happen without that kind of higher power that supposedly created us? I do not know. And that's the truth.
Scientifically, God does not exist. Yet maybe people need something to believe in so they can strive and live and move on after the worst of times. So am I believer? Not quite, but I'm not an athiest yet. I'm still...
Finding God.
Love for years has eluded me. I am unsure about it. Sure, I think I've figured out love, but of course there's still the mysteries yet to be solved. Love is complicated and sometimes it can be so emotionally painful that the pain is almost physical. I should know with the ups and downs of what I have with my boyfriend right now.
Yet he is all I ever wanted and I do dream that someday we'll be happily married off and somewhere watching and laughing over things we did when we were young and stupid. Some say falling in love young is a bad idea, but I think with the guy I've got now, it's totally worth it to go after him.
And so there is my rebellious side again, going against the warnings that love doesn't last. I know it can last. I believe. Maybe to believe in love, I have to find God. Guess that's almost some kind of conflict believing in love and not in God. Perhaps I am still...
Finding Love.
And if I decided God is the right path for me, and even if I don't, I'll always believe in love, maybe I can find faith. Faith, is perhaps a better way of saying some things. Faithful is ever so a Boston Red Sox fan. We are the faithful nation, Red Sox Nation. We've watched the ups and downs over the years and still, we stand faithful.
It seems I should find God and lvoe first, but faith is something that has always come easy. I show faith in a lot of things. From baseball to my boyfriend to wavering friends, I trust my faith. Faith, out of these three things, is the thing that does not quite confuse me and does not make me question so much. But I still could be...
Finding faith.
And with that, I'll sign off for tonight and post later again when I've sorted out a few mysteries in my life. So long for now.
And good night.
Perhaps it is because I'd like to be different, to stand out and be a non-believer once. But then again, can I believe without holding something kind of religious standing? Some might argue. I might argue too. I mean, how I can I have seen so many baseball miracles without believing in God? How can so many wonderful things happen without that kind of higher power that supposedly created us? I do not know. And that's the truth.
Scientifically, God does not exist. Yet maybe people need something to believe in so they can strive and live and move on after the worst of times. So am I believer? Not quite, but I'm not an athiest yet. I'm still...
Finding God.
Love for years has eluded me. I am unsure about it. Sure, I think I've figured out love, but of course there's still the mysteries yet to be solved. Love is complicated and sometimes it can be so emotionally painful that the pain is almost physical. I should know with the ups and downs of what I have with my boyfriend right now.
Yet he is all I ever wanted and I do dream that someday we'll be happily married off and somewhere watching and laughing over things we did when we were young and stupid. Some say falling in love young is a bad idea, but I think with the guy I've got now, it's totally worth it to go after him.
And so there is my rebellious side again, going against the warnings that love doesn't last. I know it can last. I believe. Maybe to believe in love, I have to find God. Guess that's almost some kind of conflict believing in love and not in God. Perhaps I am still...
Finding Love.
And if I decided God is the right path for me, and even if I don't, I'll always believe in love, maybe I can find faith. Faith, is perhaps a better way of saying some things. Faithful is ever so a Boston Red Sox fan. We are the faithful nation, Red Sox Nation. We've watched the ups and downs over the years and still, we stand faithful.
It seems I should find God and lvoe first, but faith is something that has always come easy. I show faith in a lot of things. From baseball to my boyfriend to wavering friends, I trust my faith. Faith, out of these three things, is the thing that does not quite confuse me and does not make me question so much. But I still could be...
Finding faith.
And with that, I'll sign off for tonight and post later again when I've sorted out a few mysteries in my life. So long for now.
And good night.
6.18.2008
So Long, Willie
Goodbye Willie Randolph. Thanks for your time. Time well wasted. Yes, I respect you and perhaps part of me does not agree with what has happened, but what have we accomplished? Nothing. This is the Mets fan part of me speaking. Well, if there's any Mets fan left in me.
Sure, I'm a Red Sox fan now. But there will always be apart of me pulling for those Mets because of my family and some other close friends. My boyfriend is a Red Sox fan, the reason why I've become one, so let me give you my view of Will Randolph's firing as a Sox fan.
Well, I think Omar was sort of right to do that. He promised change and sure change came for the Mets, but not enough to pull them to the World Series. At least they've gotten to the playoffs, but other managers have done that as well so Randolph is no different.
Good luck to Jerry Manuel. Looks like the Mets are screwed this season. But so are the Yankees. I think us Red Sox fans can rejoice to another exciting season ahead for us!
Sure, I'm a Red Sox fan now. But there will always be apart of me pulling for those Mets because of my family and some other close friends. My boyfriend is a Red Sox fan, the reason why I've become one, so let me give you my view of Will Randolph's firing as a Sox fan.
Well, I think Omar was sort of right to do that. He promised change and sure change came for the Mets, but not enough to pull them to the World Series. At least they've gotten to the playoffs, but other managers have done that as well so Randolph is no different.
Good luck to Jerry Manuel. Looks like the Mets are screwed this season. But so are the Yankees. I think us Red Sox fans can rejoice to another exciting season ahead for us!
6.13.2008
Goodbye 2008 School Year
Today I stood at my locker, staring at my Red Sox decorations from the fall. For a moment, I stared at them wondering, do I really want to take them down? Alas, the school year draws to another close for me. It will be a bittersweet ending and I will really miss my friends. The summer is spent in another country where my friends aren't. Now you understand why I hate the summer.
But so I'll eventually empty out my locker and so say long to school until next year. Well, at least I've still got boyfriend to hang out with until I go away. That's the only bright side.
But so I'll eventually empty out my locker and so say long to school until next year. Well, at least I've still got boyfriend to hang out with until I go away. That's the only bright side.
6.05.2008
Reaching Rock Bottom
Don't you ever want to give up sometimes? Aren't there times when you wish that you could just end it all. Ah, perhaps you've thought about wishing that you could just disappear from the terrible situation in. And no, I'm not talking about suicide, so don't think I'm suicidal or anything.
But there are times when I feel like I could just shrink into the wall and stay there for eternity because things around me seem so bad. I guess I've really been through a lot lately and emotions get to you faster than usual. Way faster. I'd like to think that I'm okay and that I can get up everyday and face the world, but the truth is...I can't.
Death, destruction, pain...whatever is coming next, I guess I'll just have to embrace it because fighting it will only make things harder. But if God, for once, could send me some love in the near future, it would mean a lot to me. It's been really hard for the past few months and you know, some kind of love or good feeling would lift me up. Enlighten me.
It's funny, loss , well, not really but in some sad way it is. You can sit around and cry and cry until you've got no more tears, but then you'll cry some more anyway. I'm hitting rock bottom, as I like to sat sometimes. Each time is deeper, and sometimes I wish there was no such thing as being sad.
Perhaps I am a little depressed, but I'll press on right? Hopefully. You can only be hopeful, right? Well, perhaps there's a line you have to draw and there's being hopeful about something that could possibly happen on one side. On the other side is fantasy that will most likely never come true. You classify it yourself, and everything, or almost everything, is on the side that can possibly happen because you really do want to think that no matter how far fetched your wish could be.
Truthfully, I encourage to chase big dreams. There isn't anything impossible, it's just whether the time we have permits it to happen. Our only limit is time because in one lifetime, there isn't enough of that.
Am I rambling, maybe so. I'm in so much pain now, physically and mentally, but I'm trying to make it back to the surface away from these God for saken rocks that are weighing me down. I don't know if I'll make it though.
But there are times when I feel like I could just shrink into the wall and stay there for eternity because things around me seem so bad. I guess I've really been through a lot lately and emotions get to you faster than usual. Way faster. I'd like to think that I'm okay and that I can get up everyday and face the world, but the truth is...I can't.
Death, destruction, pain...whatever is coming next, I guess I'll just have to embrace it because fighting it will only make things harder. But if God, for once, could send me some love in the near future, it would mean a lot to me. It's been really hard for the past few months and you know, some kind of love or good feeling would lift me up. Enlighten me.
It's funny, loss , well, not really but in some sad way it is. You can sit around and cry and cry until you've got no more tears, but then you'll cry some more anyway. I'm hitting rock bottom, as I like to sat sometimes. Each time is deeper, and sometimes I wish there was no such thing as being sad.
Perhaps I am a little depressed, but I'll press on right? Hopefully. You can only be hopeful, right? Well, perhaps there's a line you have to draw and there's being hopeful about something that could possibly happen on one side. On the other side is fantasy that will most likely never come true. You classify it yourself, and everything, or almost everything, is on the side that can possibly happen because you really do want to think that no matter how far fetched your wish could be.
Truthfully, I encourage to chase big dreams. There isn't anything impossible, it's just whether the time we have permits it to happen. Our only limit is time because in one lifetime, there isn't enough of that.
Am I rambling, maybe so. I'm in so much pain now, physically and mentally, but I'm trying to make it back to the surface away from these God for saken rocks that are weighing me down. I don't know if I'll make it though.
5.28.2008
"I'm Living the Dream"
The Mets just won, bottom of the twelfth and knowing the Mets, it was all or nothin' folks. Lately, I've been following the Red Sox more because of my boyfriend, but watching the Mets tonight against the Marlins rekindled that flame I had for the Mets.
Tatis was able to come through with a shot that would drive in Wright and Beltran to win the game. He was just a sub, not even a regular starter, and it's always nice to see that the bench players somehow make it through when the starters aren't around.
After the game, he was interviewed and he described how unbelievible it was in his broken English, but he did say, "I'm living the dream." And yes, perhaps tonight us Mets fans are living the dream of finally watching our team win again against the first place Marlins.
Tatis was able to come through with a shot that would drive in Wright and Beltran to win the game. He was just a sub, not even a regular starter, and it's always nice to see that the bench players somehow make it through when the starters aren't around.
After the game, he was interviewed and he described how unbelievible it was in his broken English, but he did say, "I'm living the dream." And yes, perhaps tonight us Mets fans are living the dream of finally watching our team win again against the first place Marlins.
5.27.2008
Summer
Some people think when Memorial Day weekend comes, Summer has its unofficial start. Personally, I delay summer until it's hitting me in the face or kicking me in the ass. To tell you the honest truth, I'm not a big fan of summer. Summer is when I go away with my family and I see none of my friends.
I go outside the US for a month evrery summer. It's no fun to be so far away from friends, especially my boyfriend. I hate having that distance because I won't be able to see him. Sure you can communicate through phones (expensive) and email, but it's not the same as being there in person. I believe the best way to communicate is in person. Unless you're writing a letter (and no, text messaging does NOT count).
Sure, we don't have school in the summer, or as I spell it 'skool' once it lets out. But I see my friends at school. Parties and stuff, I'm not a big fan. I'd rather just hang out with a few people than go to some huge party where you only know half of the people, the other half strangers.
Well, Summer is going to come sooner or later, so I'm preparing. The bright side is, maybe I can enjoy some baseball, some good books, and get into some fanfiction writing. I'll have a lot more time to do that. Oh, and perhaps I'll have more time with my boyfriend before I do depart for a month.
I go outside the US for a month evrery summer. It's no fun to be so far away from friends, especially my boyfriend. I hate having that distance because I won't be able to see him. Sure you can communicate through phones (expensive) and email, but it's not the same as being there in person. I believe the best way to communicate is in person. Unless you're writing a letter (and no, text messaging does NOT count).
Sure, we don't have school in the summer, or as I spell it 'skool' once it lets out. But I see my friends at school. Parties and stuff, I'm not a big fan. I'd rather just hang out with a few people than go to some huge party where you only know half of the people, the other half strangers.
Well, Summer is going to come sooner or later, so I'm preparing. The bright side is, maybe I can enjoy some baseball, some good books, and get into some fanfiction writing. I'll have a lot more time to do that. Oh, and perhaps I'll have more time with my boyfriend before I do depart for a month.
5.26.2008
Sleeping
Here I am...unable to sleep again. I can't stand it. Maybe I need help, but I can get some writing out, so it's actually quite productive afterall.
Ah, so much has happened over the last few months. And there's so much ahead too. Baseball season, the end of school, summer, and a whole lot more which I'd rather not waste my time talking about. You can build me up, tear me down, but I'll eventually piece myself back together.
So if you're just reading now, I've just experienced the death of two friends a couple months ago. It's still hard to cope, but I'm better now. FanFiction, which I've been writing, has helped me keep myself busy so I don't dwell too much on things that could possible really upset me.
I haven't posted on my blog in a while and I'm actually very excited to because now I'm getting back in the old groove again. Well, I'll write again later. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight.
Ah, so much has happened over the last few months. And there's so much ahead too. Baseball season, the end of school, summer, and a whole lot more which I'd rather not waste my time talking about. You can build me up, tear me down, but I'll eventually piece myself back together.
So if you're just reading now, I've just experienced the death of two friends a couple months ago. It's still hard to cope, but I'm better now. FanFiction, which I've been writing, has helped me keep myself busy so I don't dwell too much on things that could possible really upset me.
I haven't posted on my blog in a while and I'm actually very excited to because now I'm getting back in the old groove again. Well, I'll write again later. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight.
4.16.2008
3.30.2008
Good Bye, For Now
It's been hard the last month for me. I thought I was all right, but I'm really not. Not in a mental sense anyway. So I'm here, to say goodbye, for now at least. I'll be back once in a while. But I don't have the ability to go on right now. Things are too hard after losing two people that you used to see everyday, but now they're gone and when you wish you could say everything you didn't yet.
There's so many things left unsaid to them. Things I'd wish I'd told them, if only I knew God had it in destiny for them to die. I hadn't been in a church for maybe years, yet one of the funerals brought me there...I went to one for Easter, for them...my friends. I wasn't there to ask God for anything but that wherever my two friends are, that they're happy. That's all I asked along that love would keep everyone I knew strong.
I never intend to enter another church unless I do it for them first, and me second. I don't want to by a hyprocrite. There's been so many times when I've asked God for things...maybe miracles, and I know that He is listening, but He cannot keep me strong.
I can't say when I'll be back. Writing on the internet is no longer a priority for me. No...I am sorry. Thank you so much, but I'll be back soon...I promise. Don't worry about me either.
There's so many things left unsaid to them. Things I'd wish I'd told them, if only I knew God had it in destiny for them to die. I hadn't been in a church for maybe years, yet one of the funerals brought me there...I went to one for Easter, for them...my friends. I wasn't there to ask God for anything but that wherever my two friends are, that they're happy. That's all I asked along that love would keep everyone I knew strong.
I never intend to enter another church unless I do it for them first, and me second. I don't want to by a hyprocrite. There's been so many times when I've asked God for things...maybe miracles, and I know that He is listening, but He cannot keep me strong.
I can't say when I'll be back. Writing on the internet is no longer a priority for me. No...I am sorry. Thank you so much, but I'll be back soon...I promise. Don't worry about me either.
3.12.2008
Understand
Are you understood? Well, that could be a very broad question and interperted in many, many different ways. Well, what I mean is that do you know someone who you can connect with, a person who understands you. Someone who will listen no matter how ridiculous the problem or situation might be.
Well I realized something. You need somone like that. Drifting in space with no one to be there for you is hard. There are few people that really understand and take to heart what I say. These two people are people I've known for a very long time. They're more than friends. One of them, as you can guess, is my boyfriend. The other a friend I've known since I was too young to remember.
These two people understand me. Well, most of the time. Though these two friends of mine don't communicate with each other, they do with me and we all do our best to try to understand each other. It may sound stupid, but I think understanding is a step in the stairs to a good relationship. Not nesscarily love relationships, but even friendships.
So try and understand your friends and family. No matter how difficult, try, because not understanding someone either means you're not trying hard enough, or the person you're trying to understand needs your help more than ever.
I mean this. Understand.
Well I realized something. You need somone like that. Drifting in space with no one to be there for you is hard. There are few people that really understand and take to heart what I say. These two people are people I've known for a very long time. They're more than friends. One of them, as you can guess, is my boyfriend. The other a friend I've known since I was too young to remember.
These two people understand me. Well, most of the time. Though these two friends of mine don't communicate with each other, they do with me and we all do our best to try to understand each other. It may sound stupid, but I think understanding is a step in the stairs to a good relationship. Not nesscarily love relationships, but even friendships.
So try and understand your friends and family. No matter how difficult, try, because not understanding someone either means you're not trying hard enough, or the person you're trying to understand needs your help more than ever.
I mean this. Understand.
3.07.2008
Gone
It's not till you understand the person is really gone. That the person that died is in the casket before you, perhaps it's opened or closed, but that's when it hits you. When you see friends and family crying of the person, people you know and some you don't, it still pains you.
I went to my first funeral the other day. I had struggled through the viewing and thought the worst was over, but it wasn't. When you're sitting in those pews and you listen to the priest talk about your friend that you realize again is no longer going to be there to give you another smile, it hits very hard.
I didn't want to accept that, and I still don't...part of me doesn't and never will. No one ever wants to say goodbye when the other one can't answer back. I can't elaborate...it'll hurt too much. At least now it will, perhaps later it won't. Maybe I'll never speak of death again because expiriencing it first hand is really tough.
As I laid my last flower for my friend, I said goodbye, touched the casket, and walked away. I couldn't bare to face the family again or his friends...some of them my friends. Then you tell yourself that you did all you could and nothing in the world could change what happened.
Probably years from now if I ever visit my friend again in the cemetery, I'll remember only the good that happened. Not the pain I suffered long after he was gone. No, that wouldn't be right at all to only remember pain. It seems that remembering the good times is the best thing to do because that's what my friend would have wanted.
So perhaps...days, weeks, months, or years, I'll write about this in more detail.
I went to my first funeral the other day. I had struggled through the viewing and thought the worst was over, but it wasn't. When you're sitting in those pews and you listen to the priest talk about your friend that you realize again is no longer going to be there to give you another smile, it hits very hard.
I didn't want to accept that, and I still don't...part of me doesn't and never will. No one ever wants to say goodbye when the other one can't answer back. I can't elaborate...it'll hurt too much. At least now it will, perhaps later it won't. Maybe I'll never speak of death again because expiriencing it first hand is really tough.
As I laid my last flower for my friend, I said goodbye, touched the casket, and walked away. I couldn't bare to face the family again or his friends...some of them my friends. Then you tell yourself that you did all you could and nothing in the world could change what happened.
Probably years from now if I ever visit my friend again in the cemetery, I'll remember only the good that happened. Not the pain I suffered long after he was gone. No, that wouldn't be right at all to only remember pain. It seems that remembering the good times is the best thing to do because that's what my friend would have wanted.
So perhaps...days, weeks, months, or years, I'll write about this in more detail.
3.02.2008
Two Lost, One Tragedy
Two of my friends from school died a couple days ago after being struck by a car while they were skateboarding. I wish it wasn't so. May they rest in peace.
Due to this event, I will be away for a while.
Thank you...
Due to this event, I will be away for a while.
Thank you...
2.14.2008
Valentine's Day!
Jeez. Today's the day. The day of love, the day of friendship, and the day that is filled with letters, cards, candy, and whatever lovey dovey things you can think of
My point is, it's Valentine's Day, so give a little bit of your love and time to your friends and tell them that you really care. It doesn't mean you have to go out of your way (though you should sometimes for people you love), but even a phone conversation, an email message, or even a hello to a stranger makes some people's days!
You don't need chocolate, hugs, or kisses, as nice as they seem, of course you can, but you don't. Valentine's Day didn't even originate from love notes, but we can sure as hell pretend it did.
I'm writing this as a person with a boyfriend of almost a year now and I'm writing this as a person who doesn't really care much for Vealentine's Day, but when your man buys you chocolate and a card, it's hard to say that you totally hate it.
Love opens and closes new doors. Be open minded. I've learned already.
My point is, it's Valentine's Day, so give a little bit of your love and time to your friends and tell them that you really care. It doesn't mean you have to go out of your way (though you should sometimes for people you love), but even a phone conversation, an email message, or even a hello to a stranger makes some people's days!
You don't need chocolate, hugs, or kisses, as nice as they seem, of course you can, but you don't. Valentine's Day didn't even originate from love notes, but we can sure as hell pretend it did.
I'm writing this as a person with a boyfriend of almost a year now and I'm writing this as a person who doesn't really care much for Vealentine's Day, but when your man buys you chocolate and a card, it's hard to say that you totally hate it.
Love opens and closes new doors. Be open minded. I've learned already.
They Say
They Say I'm wasting time
Chasin' after him
That boy I'm in love with
That's all that I live for
They say I'm a fool
For ever lovin' him
Because that he's not worth it
Or that there's so much more
Well I sat down today
And looked out my door
And told myself they were all wrong
I'm not wastin' time
They say I'll never get it right
But I will, I will
I'm not wastin' time
I'll be there standing next him
The day we say our vows and our parents cry
Oh I'll get it right,but all that matters is that what they say ain't right
Chasin' after him
That boy I'm in love with
That's all that I live for
They say I'm a fool
For ever lovin' him
Because that he's not worth it
Or that there's so much more
Well I sat down today
And looked out my door
And told myself they were all wrong
I'm not wastin' time
They say I'll never get it right
But I will, I will
I'm not wastin' time
I'll be there standing next him
The day we say our vows and our parents cry
Oh I'll get it right,but all that matters is that what they say ain't right
2.03.2008
1.25.2008
What I Learned from Guys as a Girl
*Note-Please read the previous post before reading this one!
That's funny...you wouldn't expect to learn anything from guys except stupid and innappropiate things or how to beat the system and get away with things you shouldn't have done. Oh yes, guys were useful for that stuff because I was a Tomboy. I got along very well with all the Smart/Unsmart Almost Popular guys.
That's beside the the point right now. I respected guys more and understood why they did some things. The best way to solve your confusions about something is to spend time around it. In this case, boys never really made sense to me. They could be so smart and so dumb at the same time. Most of the time, it was for laughs. Hell, it was always for laughs at my lunch table.
Sure, call me crazy for wasting so much time around boys when I could be with my girl friends at lunch. Perhaps it was crush on my new best friend at the time (current boyfriend now) or that I just wanted to prove I was no coward. There were some things I probably shouldn't have heard and learned about. Inappropiate jokes that I would laugh at to forget, the accusations of sleep overs the guys had about surfing porn sites. God, we're so young and they're already into that crap. Ah, so be it. Some say I'm too young to have a boyfriend. Those are the people that don't keep up with the times that things you should do later in life start happening earlier. Look at Jamie Lynn Spears!
But now I'm trailing off topic. So let me tell you what I really learned and what I'll keep in mind. For now, I'm going to call my "new best friend at the time" my boyfriend to shorten things up. So anyway, my boyfriend had this friend. Best friend. And his best friend was really nice. Sweet. My second grade crush. I wouldn't lie, but I'd dwindle from the truth of addmittance. We got along pretty well. Made fun of each other playfully. His sister was and Under-Popular. He understood how I felt.
Every once in a while, he'd tell me something. Something his sister said (she had seduced me when i was a Follower) about me. Whether it was nasty or nice. Maybe it was a small conversation here and there. It was him that made me appreciate unexpected kindness more. He was sort of that big brother I wish I had. I make sure that my boyfriend doesn't know I feel that way. Our relationship is a whole other story.
What I learned from my boyfriend was sincerity. Some things we only said to each other. There were certain things we only talked to each other about, certain things we would to to each other for. No one else. It made it special. Love is probably another one. That's another one for later, but I also learned not to regret or worry what boys think about your actions. Most likelyif you did something stupid, irrational, or embarassing, they'll forget or they won't give you a hard time (unless they vow to make you never forget in a funny way. If they're going to make your life hell, then that guy must really remember things).
Guys don't remember anything. Well, maybe birthdays and certain things they only need to remember. More like what they want to remember. Like homework, test dates, and project due dates are irrelavant in their world. Maybe I learned to procrasonate from them too. A bad habit I picked up huh...
I learned a lot of humor too. Dirty jokes, clean jokes, all out stupid jokes, but those jokes fit in to the perfect conversations that needed enlightenment with humor. It upped my social reputation with everyone else. I was no longer a total dork that had failed to reach Under-Popular.
Well, it's late. I'll write more tomorrow.
That's funny...you wouldn't expect to learn anything from guys except stupid and innappropiate things or how to beat the system and get away with things you shouldn't have done. Oh yes, guys were useful for that stuff because I was a Tomboy. I got along very well with all the Smart/Unsmart Almost Popular guys.
That's beside the the point right now. I respected guys more and understood why they did some things. The best way to solve your confusions about something is to spend time around it. In this case, boys never really made sense to me. They could be so smart and so dumb at the same time. Most of the time, it was for laughs. Hell, it was always for laughs at my lunch table.
Sure, call me crazy for wasting so much time around boys when I could be with my girl friends at lunch. Perhaps it was crush on my new best friend at the time (current boyfriend now) or that I just wanted to prove I was no coward. There were some things I probably shouldn't have heard and learned about. Inappropiate jokes that I would laugh at to forget, the accusations of sleep overs the guys had about surfing porn sites. God, we're so young and they're already into that crap. Ah, so be it. Some say I'm too young to have a boyfriend. Those are the people that don't keep up with the times that things you should do later in life start happening earlier. Look at Jamie Lynn Spears!
But now I'm trailing off topic. So let me tell you what I really learned and what I'll keep in mind. For now, I'm going to call my "new best friend at the time" my boyfriend to shorten things up. So anyway, my boyfriend had this friend. Best friend. And his best friend was really nice. Sweet. My second grade crush. I wouldn't lie, but I'd dwindle from the truth of addmittance. We got along pretty well. Made fun of each other playfully. His sister was and Under-Popular. He understood how I felt.
Every once in a while, he'd tell me something. Something his sister said (she had seduced me when i was a Follower) about me. Whether it was nasty or nice. Maybe it was a small conversation here and there. It was him that made me appreciate unexpected kindness more. He was sort of that big brother I wish I had. I make sure that my boyfriend doesn't know I feel that way. Our relationship is a whole other story.
What I learned from my boyfriend was sincerity. Some things we only said to each other. There were certain things we only talked to each other about, certain things we would to to each other for. No one else. It made it special. Love is probably another one. That's another one for later, but I also learned not to regret or worry what boys think about your actions. Most likelyif you did something stupid, irrational, or embarassing, they'll forget or they won't give you a hard time (unless they vow to make you never forget in a funny way. If they're going to make your life hell, then that guy must really remember things).
Guys don't remember anything. Well, maybe birthdays and certain things they only need to remember. More like what they want to remember. Like homework, test dates, and project due dates are irrelavant in their world. Maybe I learned to procrasonate from them too. A bad habit I picked up huh...
I learned a lot of humor too. Dirty jokes, clean jokes, all out stupid jokes, but those jokes fit in to the perfect conversations that needed enlightenment with humor. It upped my social reputation with everyone else. I was no longer a total dork that had failed to reach Under-Popular.
Well, it's late. I'll write more tomorrow.
1.24.2008
Popularity
You see, as I was thinking about the past years, I remembered when I was in between things. Friends and decisions to make. Not quite on one side, and not ready to be on either side.
It was the year my best friend abandoned me for a guy...yeah, a guy she broke up with anyway. She tore me apart...piece by piece until I couldn't take it anymore and pushed her away. She did, once, and I just remembered, try to come back, but by then, I had sort of let go.
She started my friend problems now. I dwindled with the people who were, in my school, the under popular. You see, our social ladder sorta went like this:
Popular
Under-Popular
Followers (Somewhat Popular)
Smart/Unsmart Sorta Popular
Smarts
Idiots
Gays
Nuetral
Popular being the highest of course.
God, I was so niave. The Under-Populars were the people who associated with the Popular group. Under-Popular were the people you would go to get dirt on the unpopular. It sorta went something like this. The Nuertrals associated with everyone, they were passive and sometimes would jump between categories before returning back to nuetral. Then the second lowest were the gays (I didn't come up with this social ladder for my school. I have no hard feelings for gays and support same-sex relationships!) who befriended mostly the idiots.
The idiots, well, sometimes they included the class clowns and the people who were hopelessly failing classes, but they were friends with the Smarts too. Maybe friends isn't the right word...entertainment. The idiots entertained the Smarts and in return they would recieve some help.
The smarts, they were the people who were A+ in every class. With the Gays and Idiots, they hated popular people and they dared not to speak to anyone above their social class unless it was needed. Of course there were exceptions, but let's not split hairs.
The Smart/Unsmart-Sorta Popular was the category I fit into along with my current boyfriend's friends. Only one of us was top of the class. He was super smart, but he had the good looks and wasn't too nerdy. He wasn't a bragger and that made him likeable. I excelled in language arts and math, kept a steady science and history grade. There were a few idiots that could have been in the Idiots class, but they managed to fit in with us because they weren't all that dumb. You see, the Smart/Unsmart-Sorta Populars associated with the Followers, Under-Popular, and sometimes when needed, the Popular group.
The followers were the people who were wannabe popular people that befriended the Under-Populars in order to get to the highest level. They followed the Under Popular person or people they befriended until they either learned that being popular isn't everything, or they actually achieved getting there.
Under-Populars were, as I said the people who had the dirt on all the popular people. They mingled with them and knew their way around the popular crowd and they seduced many followers. That's how I saw them, but somehow, I befriended one of them when I was supposed to be a Smart/Unsmart-Somewhat Popular with my new best friend (my current BF).
I wanted to achieve being an Under-Popular, but I was seduced like everyone else who were Followers until I felt I was being hurt too much, perhaps another reason why my friendship broke off with my ex-bestfriend.
Eventually I learned better and settled down in the Smart/Unsmart Somewhat Popular class and felt comfortable. I had my own circle of friends, associated with a few followers and even a few Under-Populars that weren't low enough to be a follower, but sorta weren't qualified to be an Under-Popular.
I worked the top part of the social ladder. I understood that I could have been better off as a nuetral, but my heart lay in the Smart/UnsmartSomewhat Popular class. It was the first years of getting to know my new best friend better.
Our lunch tables were classified by the Social Classes and I was proud to be the only gal at a guy's table. I didn't care about the stares or comments by teachers, I wanted to show the world I had guts! So that's where more story shall start tomorrow....what I learned and am still learning from my lunch table and my boyfriend's friends.
It was the year my best friend abandoned me for a guy...yeah, a guy she broke up with anyway. She tore me apart...piece by piece until I couldn't take it anymore and pushed her away. She did, once, and I just remembered, try to come back, but by then, I had sort of let go.
She started my friend problems now. I dwindled with the people who were, in my school, the under popular. You see, our social ladder sorta went like this:
Popular
Under-Popular
Followers (Somewhat Popular)
Smart/Unsmart Sorta Popular
Smarts
Idiots
Gays
Nuetral
Popular being the highest of course.
God, I was so niave. The Under-Populars were the people who associated with the Popular group. Under-Popular were the people you would go to get dirt on the unpopular. It sorta went something like this. The Nuertrals associated with everyone, they were passive and sometimes would jump between categories before returning back to nuetral. Then the second lowest were the gays (I didn't come up with this social ladder for my school. I have no hard feelings for gays and support same-sex relationships!) who befriended mostly the idiots.
The idiots, well, sometimes they included the class clowns and the people who were hopelessly failing classes, but they were friends with the Smarts too. Maybe friends isn't the right word...entertainment. The idiots entertained the Smarts and in return they would recieve some help.
The smarts, they were the people who were A+ in every class. With the Gays and Idiots, they hated popular people and they dared not to speak to anyone above their social class unless it was needed. Of course there were exceptions, but let's not split hairs.
The Smart/Unsmart-Sorta Popular was the category I fit into along with my current boyfriend's friends. Only one of us was top of the class. He was super smart, but he had the good looks and wasn't too nerdy. He wasn't a bragger and that made him likeable. I excelled in language arts and math, kept a steady science and history grade. There were a few idiots that could have been in the Idiots class, but they managed to fit in with us because they weren't all that dumb. You see, the Smart/Unsmart-Sorta Populars associated with the Followers, Under-Popular, and sometimes when needed, the Popular group.
The followers were the people who were wannabe popular people that befriended the Under-Populars in order to get to the highest level. They followed the Under Popular person or people they befriended until they either learned that being popular isn't everything, or they actually achieved getting there.
Under-Populars were, as I said the people who had the dirt on all the popular people. They mingled with them and knew their way around the popular crowd and they seduced many followers. That's how I saw them, but somehow, I befriended one of them when I was supposed to be a Smart/Unsmart-Somewhat Popular with my new best friend (my current BF).
I wanted to achieve being an Under-Popular, but I was seduced like everyone else who were Followers until I felt I was being hurt too much, perhaps another reason why my friendship broke off with my ex-bestfriend.
Eventually I learned better and settled down in the Smart/Unsmart Somewhat Popular class and felt comfortable. I had my own circle of friends, associated with a few followers and even a few Under-Populars that weren't low enough to be a follower, but sorta weren't qualified to be an Under-Popular.
I worked the top part of the social ladder. I understood that I could have been better off as a nuetral, but my heart lay in the Smart/UnsmartSomewhat Popular class. It was the first years of getting to know my new best friend better.
Our lunch tables were classified by the Social Classes and I was proud to be the only gal at a guy's table. I didn't care about the stares or comments by teachers, I wanted to show the world I had guts! So that's where more story shall start tomorrow....what I learned and am still learning from my lunch table and my boyfriend's friends.
1.22.2008
RIP-Heath Leadger
Only 28. It's such a shame with so much talent and I loved Brokeback Mountain. May he rest in peace.
1.12.2008
1 Year Aniversery
A life. So precious. So cared for. And gone within in seconds.
Yesterday, January 10th, was the one year anniversery of a car crash in my community. It involved teenagers who had most likely been racing on a major road. One of the cars crashed. Three lives were taken. Gone in fire and flames, into smoke and ashes, and disappeared from the face of the earth as if no more would become of them.
A year since that day doesn't come lightly. It's hard to hold out against such a terrible thought. Those three teenagers were young, only high schoolers, no older than many people in the small community. That road is so clsoe to me, I'm not even a mile away, and I didn't particularly know any of those kids, but it still makes me feel sad.
It was as if something had been torn out of me. I'm very fortunate that I have only expierienced so few tragic things. Things are so precious, people, relationships, money, and so on. Things we should never take for granted and enjoy till depleted or gone. Nature has a way with taking things away from us so fast. Too fast like water slipping through our fingers.
So I may be a few days late with talking about this incident, but if you drive, or when you drive, go no more than the speed limit. SLOW DOWN! Save a life. Buckle up too. If anything, go below the speed limit because in all truth, slow and steady wins the race of life. You can't be in the fast lane forever, even though sometimes it feels as if the years pass by.
Take some time and think that someone close and dear to you, or anyone around, is close to being gone. Anyone at anytime because of car accidents of going over the speed limit. This event may not happen close to you and not close to your heart, but you have to have some damn consideration for our world. We're talking about our world's future because its fate is held in our children's and their children's hands.
So in their memory...do these things at least once this year...actually, please do this everyday
1. If someone has had too much to drink, call a cab or drive them home.
2. Go under the speed limit.
3. Don't talk or text on your cell phone and drive.
4. Wear a seatbelt, please.
5. Obey all traffic laws.
6. Don't race, slow and steady wins the race of life.
7. Don't drink or smoke while driving.
8. Don't try to make a yellow light.
9. Be considerate to other drivers.
10. Be thankful after you've reach your destination.
Yesterday, January 10th, was the one year anniversery of a car crash in my community. It involved teenagers who had most likely been racing on a major road. One of the cars crashed. Three lives were taken. Gone in fire and flames, into smoke and ashes, and disappeared from the face of the earth as if no more would become of them.
A year since that day doesn't come lightly. It's hard to hold out against such a terrible thought. Those three teenagers were young, only high schoolers, no older than many people in the small community. That road is so clsoe to me, I'm not even a mile away, and I didn't particularly know any of those kids, but it still makes me feel sad.
It was as if something had been torn out of me. I'm very fortunate that I have only expierienced so few tragic things. Things are so precious, people, relationships, money, and so on. Things we should never take for granted and enjoy till depleted or gone. Nature has a way with taking things away from us so fast. Too fast like water slipping through our fingers.
So I may be a few days late with talking about this incident, but if you drive, or when you drive, go no more than the speed limit. SLOW DOWN! Save a life. Buckle up too. If anything, go below the speed limit because in all truth, slow and steady wins the race of life. You can't be in the fast lane forever, even though sometimes it feels as if the years pass by.
Take some time and think that someone close and dear to you, or anyone around, is close to being gone. Anyone at anytime because of car accidents of going over the speed limit. This event may not happen close to you and not close to your heart, but you have to have some damn consideration for our world. We're talking about our world's future because its fate is held in our children's and their children's hands.
So in their memory...do these things at least once this year...actually, please do this everyday
1. If someone has had too much to drink, call a cab or drive them home.
2. Go under the speed limit.
3. Don't talk or text on your cell phone and drive.
4. Wear a seatbelt, please.
5. Obey all traffic laws.
6. Don't race, slow and steady wins the race of life.
7. Don't drink or smoke while driving.
8. Don't try to make a yellow light.
9. Be considerate to other drivers.
10. Be thankful after you've reach your destination.
1.06.2008
My Birthday
Well, another year older they say, and my age for now is disclosed to those of you reading, but I'd just like to say that I'm not sure I'm ready to move forward so fast, but then again, I better be because I ain't going to get any younger.
There are so many things to cherish when you get older and so many things that leave too, but the things you recieve (and I ain't talking presents) are very nice. Kindness, forgiveness, thankfulness, and friendships.
So I'll say this, the next time you turn a year older, remember everything and be satisfied and stop regretting all those bad times and emphasize on the good times.
There are so many things to cherish when you get older and so many things that leave too, but the things you recieve (and I ain't talking presents) are very nice. Kindness, forgiveness, thankfulness, and friendships.
So I'll say this, the next time you turn a year older, remember everything and be satisfied and stop regretting all those bad times and emphasize on the good times.
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