Weeks Into School

My thoughts right now...you don't want to know what I'm thinking. School is terrible. An utter mess. That's all...nothing more.

Truth

They say you can learn from mistakes. But why do we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. They say god can save us, but how is that possible if there is no proof of his existence. They say homosexuals are bad, but how do you know that is true? How is it that people say these things without truth?

Truth is a funny thing because there are few things that we know the real truth about. People say there is truth in religion, but in reality, there isn't. Religion is just a load of lies and insecurities. It's man-made, like laws, buildings, lakes, and cars. Religion was not made by god, gods, the "Sky Dude", Allah, Yahweh, Satan, or the Devil. No, religion was called "the opium of people". Well, at least for some people, it is sort of an addiction. It's something a lot of people can't live without.

They say atheists don't have morals, but then again, are religious people better than atheists? The answer is no. There are a lot of bad religious people out there. Raping priests, terrorists, and murderers who call themselves "holy". Let's just put it this way, atheists are equally bad, but perhaps a little better. I guess that's all relative to opinion.

But truth and reasoning cannot be part of religion. They contradict each other a lot. They cannot exist together peacefully. The only truth in religion is false truth. But isn't it hard to find any truth when most of the world is lying. Everyone lies. Everyone does bad. And no, there are no such things as sins.

But what am I babbling about?

Skool (Purposely Spelled Wrong)

Well, it's inevitable. School is coming to get me. Whether I like it or not. Whether I think it's important or not. Whether I care or not. I'll have to go. Eventually. I'll have to put up with all my "friends" and my newly ex-boyfriend, the gossip about the break up and the pain, the questions and the answers.

As it is known to me in the summer, "Skool" has become something I'm beginning to be very scared of. I don't have social status to float on anymore. Since the break up, I've lost a lot of my connections with people. And I guess I still know how to beat the system, it's just harder. The social system is very complicated. I hate it so much. I'd rather be in private school with Kate. I'd love that a lot. I know she would too. The two of us loners stuck in our own schools, wishing we could be elsewhere.

Okay, enough is enough, I'm done for today, because I'll just rant and hurt more later.

Why Can't You Leave Me Alone?

Everywhere I go, there's a reminder, some sort of taunting sign, of my ex-boyfriend. It's like he surrounds me, even though he's miles away. It's like I'm seeing things. His first name suddenly appears everywhere. Even his first and last initials together. Songs I listen always seem to fit our situation. His phone number, his birthday. Jeez, it's everywhere. On license plate numbers to prices for things in shops and screen names/user names on website. I can't escape. But I need to desperately.

Yes, I'll admit, for now, that I am still in love with him. He is the person that completed me, and of course I feel a little empty. But I know I need to let go. I have other people to move on to, other crushes and other possible and potential relationships. I have things to admit, things to get over, and other problems to deal with. I worry about myself.

Things my ex liked seemed to be mentioned. Movies, music...I wish it would all stop. People with the same situation on messageboards and websites. I can't stand it, but cutting off my computer life would also be a bad thing. I did promise myself I wouldn't cry. At least I haven't done that yet, thank you very much. I think it was because I promised Kate and my other friend that I wouldn't. I had to proben that I wasn't the crying type. I was supposed to be the strong one.

But I'm not. And they don't understand because I don't have the guts to admit to them what else is wrong with me. Maybe, I will, when I see them again. After all, I am posting from a vacation and will return in a week or two. I can't say when. My arrival home seems indefinite because I do not want to return to the place where the very real reminders are of what we should and could have been.

Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I haven't let go enough yet. He's everywhere, even in my heart, but he needs to go. I just need someone to hold onto right now, mentally. I need a friend to lean on. I can't wait to get home. I need to talk to Kate, the only one who understands me. I need someone to help me up because I'm still sprawled out on the ground, paralyzed with fear.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I lie on my bed in the dark and stare at the ceiling. Sometimes, I wish that I could go back and change all the things I've screwed up. Sometimes, I wish a lot of things and do a lot of things. But I can't. Sometimes, it seems hopeless to me.

And sometimes, I hope, that for once I'll get what I really want. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't still in love with my ex-boyfriend. But he haunts me. In my dreams and in real life. I see reminders everywhere. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes it's just all too surreal.

But sometimes, I know that my dreams are too far-fetched, like believing in god, santa, and the tooth fairy. I'm tricking myself into comfort. And it's all the time that I know that I need to get a grip and move on. But sometimes, I don't want to do that.

And sometimes, I wonder if there's anything better up ahead. People tell me there is, and so sometime I just have to believe them. Sometimes, I think about all the sometimes I have in my life. Sometimes, I know that they should be never or always. Not in between.

Sometimes....

So Long Summer

Summer is coming to an end. A very sad end. Not sad because I don't want to go to school, but sad because I didn't really enjoy it except for the short three weeks I spent with some friends. It's too bad that all good things come to an end because if good things didn't end, I'd be a very happy person right now.

But that's okay. It's my last year in this school. I've got nothing left to lose because my best friend goes to another school. I'm a lone wolf, a stranger among the acquaintances. I'm the misunderstood in the understanding. I've watched how people operate. I know how each clique clicks. I know why the losers are losers and why popular girls are so bitchy. I know everything. But no one really knows anything about me. It's like I'm a secret keeper. I'm watching, I learn, I know, and no one notices of cares about me.

And perhaps it's better that way. At school, no one needs to know me. I've learned that relationships don't ever last when we're this young, and even if they did, it just leads to a bigger heartbreak and more heartache after.

But summer, I am sad to see go because if I had a choice, I would repeat summer over and over again. School's a waste of time.

What I Want

What I want is probably also what i need. And right now, I just need someone to talk to that understands me. Unfortunately, the only person that does understand me is away right now and there is no easy and fast way to contact her....Kate.

I've been feeling a little lost lately. Feelings and emotions mixed together in a swirl of rage and regret. I'm confused, but then again, I know exactly what's wrong and what I need figured out.

As I'm typing this, here in my vacation room, it's pouring rain. That really sets my mood. It's so windy too. I wish I could stand out there and have the rain just beat down on me and cleanse me from all my pain and sorrow.

But there is no easy way out, no escape route, no cheat guide, and definitely thousands of choices to how to solve all my problems, which none of you would ever understand. I am misunderstood. And what I want and need is to be understood.

Because sometimes life can beat you down, and that's what's happening now, and I'm stressed out and tired. I don't sleep a lot. I spend hours on the computer because that's all I have to do at 5AM in the morning after I've gotten 0 hours of sleep.

And maybe that's okay because I'll just survive this way until it gets better. Or maybe it could just get worse. But that's okay. Isn't it that everything works out in the end?