Getting Through the Summer

I wish so badly that the summer would be over because I'd just like to get back to school and get this year over with. But I also wish the summer would never end so I wouldn't have to face my ex-boyfriend. But then again, I just want school to come so I can know that he doesn't think I'm a total bitch or an asshole or whatever.

I don't know how this is all going to work out in the end because I know either way it's only going to hurt bad before it gets better. That's how most things work. You gotta feel the pain before you heal, or you wouldn't have healed at all. Pain is a big key to life. Learning to deal with it is an even greater door opener.

Then there's this part of me that feels really sad and really guilty and really angry. It's that part of me that wishes that I could turn back time and just make things better. It also wants me to make the pain go away, no matter how I do it. I'm being torn apart by what I want and what I need.

What I need is to pick myself up and move on. I can't stay here and mope around feeling sorry for myself, even if I'll be looked down upon for what I've done. What I want is not to move on, what I want is not realistic yet somehow it might just need. What I need is to tell the world that I don't care what they think. But what I want is to hide in the shadows because I'm afraid of what they think. And what I need is a lot of help. But what I want, really want, is to just figure out a way by myself even though I know I can't.

This is all very complicated now and it's hard to understand unless you really truly know me, which you don't.

But I'm hoping I'll get through this summer, just scarred, but not for life. That's what I need. Not what I want.