Truth

They say you can learn from mistakes. But why do we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. They say god can save us, but how is that possible if there is no proof of his existence. They say homosexuals are bad, but how do you know that is true? How is it that people say these things without truth?

Truth is a funny thing because there are few things that we know the real truth about. People say there is truth in religion, but in reality, there isn't. Religion is just a load of lies and insecurities. It's man-made, like laws, buildings, lakes, and cars. Religion was not made by god, gods, the "Sky Dude", Allah, Yahweh, Satan, or the Devil. No, religion was called "the opium of people". Well, at least for some people, it is sort of an addiction. It's something a lot of people can't live without.

They say atheists don't have morals, but then again, are religious people better than atheists? The answer is no. There are a lot of bad religious people out there. Raping priests, terrorists, and murderers who call themselves "holy". Let's just put it this way, atheists are equally bad, but perhaps a little better. I guess that's all relative to opinion.

But truth and reasoning cannot be part of religion. They contradict each other a lot. They cannot exist together peacefully. The only truth in religion is false truth. But isn't it hard to find any truth when most of the world is lying. Everyone lies. Everyone does bad. And no, there are no such things as sins.

But what am I babbling about?

Skool (Purposely Spelled Wrong)

Well, it's inevitable. School is coming to get me. Whether I like it or not. Whether I think it's important or not. Whether I care or not. I'll have to go. Eventually. I'll have to put up with all my "friends" and my newly ex-boyfriend, the gossip about the break up and the pain, the questions and the answers.

As it is known to me in the summer, "Skool" has become something I'm beginning to be very scared of. I don't have social status to float on anymore. Since the break up, I've lost a lot of my connections with people. And I guess I still know how to beat the system, it's just harder. The social system is very complicated. I hate it so much. I'd rather be in private school with Kate. I'd love that a lot. I know she would too. The two of us loners stuck in our own schools, wishing we could be elsewhere.

Okay, enough is enough, I'm done for today, because I'll just rant and hurt more later.

Why Can't You Leave Me Alone?

Everywhere I go, there's a reminder, some sort of taunting sign, of my ex-boyfriend. It's like he surrounds me, even though he's miles away. It's like I'm seeing things. His first name suddenly appears everywhere. Even his first and last initials together. Songs I listen always seem to fit our situation. His phone number, his birthday. Jeez, it's everywhere. On license plate numbers to prices for things in shops and screen names/user names on website. I can't escape. But I need to desperately.

Yes, I'll admit, for now, that I am still in love with him. He is the person that completed me, and of course I feel a little empty. But I know I need to let go. I have other people to move on to, other crushes and other possible and potential relationships. I have things to admit, things to get over, and other problems to deal with. I worry about myself.

Things my ex liked seemed to be mentioned. Movies, music...I wish it would all stop. People with the same situation on messageboards and websites. I can't stand it, but cutting off my computer life would also be a bad thing. I did promise myself I wouldn't cry. At least I haven't done that yet, thank you very much. I think it was because I promised Kate and my other friend that I wouldn't. I had to proben that I wasn't the crying type. I was supposed to be the strong one.

But I'm not. And they don't understand because I don't have the guts to admit to them what else is wrong with me. Maybe, I will, when I see them again. After all, I am posting from a vacation and will return in a week or two. I can't say when. My arrival home seems indefinite because I do not want to return to the place where the very real reminders are of what we should and could have been.

Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I haven't let go enough yet. He's everywhere, even in my heart, but he needs to go. I just need someone to hold onto right now, mentally. I need a friend to lean on. I can't wait to get home. I need to talk to Kate, the only one who understands me. I need someone to help me up because I'm still sprawled out on the ground, paralyzed with fear.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I lie on my bed in the dark and stare at the ceiling. Sometimes, I wish that I could go back and change all the things I've screwed up. Sometimes, I wish a lot of things and do a lot of things. But I can't. Sometimes, it seems hopeless to me.

And sometimes, I hope, that for once I'll get what I really want. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't still in love with my ex-boyfriend. But he haunts me. In my dreams and in real life. I see reminders everywhere. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes it's just all too surreal.

But sometimes, I know that my dreams are too far-fetched, like believing in god, santa, and the tooth fairy. I'm tricking myself into comfort. And it's all the time that I know that I need to get a grip and move on. But sometimes, I don't want to do that.

And sometimes, I wonder if there's anything better up ahead. People tell me there is, and so sometime I just have to believe them. Sometimes, I think about all the sometimes I have in my life. Sometimes, I know that they should be never or always. Not in between.

Sometimes....

So Long Summer

Summer is coming to an end. A very sad end. Not sad because I don't want to go to school, but sad because I didn't really enjoy it except for the short three weeks I spent with some friends. It's too bad that all good things come to an end because if good things didn't end, I'd be a very happy person right now.

But that's okay. It's my last year in this school. I've got nothing left to lose because my best friend goes to another school. I'm a lone wolf, a stranger among the acquaintances. I'm the misunderstood in the understanding. I've watched how people operate. I know how each clique clicks. I know why the losers are losers and why popular girls are so bitchy. I know everything. But no one really knows anything about me. It's like I'm a secret keeper. I'm watching, I learn, I know, and no one notices of cares about me.

And perhaps it's better that way. At school, no one needs to know me. I've learned that relationships don't ever last when we're this young, and even if they did, it just leads to a bigger heartbreak and more heartache after.

But summer, I am sad to see go because if I had a choice, I would repeat summer over and over again. School's a waste of time.

What I Want

What I want is probably also what i need. And right now, I just need someone to talk to that understands me. Unfortunately, the only person that does understand me is away right now and there is no easy and fast way to contact her....Kate.

I've been feeling a little lost lately. Feelings and emotions mixed together in a swirl of rage and regret. I'm confused, but then again, I know exactly what's wrong and what I need figured out.

As I'm typing this, here in my vacation room, it's pouring rain. That really sets my mood. It's so windy too. I wish I could stand out there and have the rain just beat down on me and cleanse me from all my pain and sorrow.

But there is no easy way out, no escape route, no cheat guide, and definitely thousands of choices to how to solve all my problems, which none of you would ever understand. I am misunderstood. And what I want and need is to be understood.

Because sometimes life can beat you down, and that's what's happening now, and I'm stressed out and tired. I don't sleep a lot. I spend hours on the computer because that's all I have to do at 5AM in the morning after I've gotten 0 hours of sleep.

And maybe that's okay because I'll just survive this way until it gets better. Or maybe it could just get worse. But that's okay. Isn't it that everything works out in the end?

I'll Be Just Fine Pretending I'm Not

I'll be just fine pretending that I'm not depressed and that I'm not angry at the world. I'll be just fine that way because no one is going to bother to listen to me.

You know, sometimes I think about that car crash that my two friends died in and wish it were me instead because I know that I wouldn't have that big of a loss. I bet you half of my school wouldn't care. Their tears wouldn't mean anything, they would be fake, just an excuse to not do anything in school. At least when my two friends died, everyone loved them. They were the best students in the school, teacher's favorites.

But me? I'm likable I guess. Teachers either love me or hate me, there's no inbetween. I can make you think that I trust you, only to really think that you're an acquaintance and that whatever friendship we have between us will slowly fade away. It's my way of surviving. I've realized that I'm not all that great at keeping relationship steady I guess. I'm really good at screwing things up, fucking things up too. Sometimes when I watch the news and hear about people dying in car crashes, I wish it was me.

Sometimes, when I hear about stuff like school shootings, I wish someone would do that to my school and come and just kill me off because am I really that useful? What reason do I have to live? I do not believe in god, he is irrational and fictional, like Santa Clause. The bible is a peace of fictional BS.

And sometimes the only thing keeping me going is probably the few I have left that care about me. Kate, being one of them, because I know that if I were gone, she'd be all broken up. Then there's baseball. If I were to really, really do it, I wouldn't do it during the baseball season, especially not this one since I've got a bet on the Chicago Cubs. This is their year, no one else's.

But right now, I'll be just fine pretending that I'm not okay. I'll be just fine decieving all of you. I'll be just fine pretending I'm not okay.

The Hardest Part

The hardest part about breaking up is letting go. Part of me still wants to love my ex-boyfriend. That part of me is tell me that I still need him and that life without him is like living a nightmare. And for a while, it might seem that way. But really, he shouldn't mean anything to me anymore. Our time together is over, and perhaps I just need to let go.

But then again, letting go of him is also saying goodbye to a best friend. Not that I haven't done that before. I have been back stabbed by my best friends, and I had this coming towards me for a while. It only seems like it doesn't matter that my inner circle of friends only includes one person right now.

But I am broken, and I need to pick up the shards that I can find and try to piece myself back together. It's not just my heart that is broken, but it seems like everything around me has become broken too. Everything I'm around, something bad seems to happen. I'm surprised Kate, my best friend, hasn't turned on me either. But then again, we both don't have anything to lose except each other.

And right now I'm lost.

It seems everywhere I turn there is another growing problem. When I try to retrace my footsteps, it just seems dead weight drags behind me and I am still stuck with an irreversible problem. It's like the solution just slips through my fingers and I'm left on my knees with nothing but pain and sorrow.

Sad, sorrowful, and pathetic I am right now.

Blog Name Change

I changed the name of my blog. I think this titles suits me a lot better.

You Don't, You Don't, You Don't,, You Don't Mean Anything to Me

The title of this post is a Simple Plan lyric from "You Don't Mean Anything."

I've been listening to some music lately. Mostly about heartbreak and being hurt. This just happened to be one of the songs. I also have Augustana's "Stars and Boulevards", Papa Roach's "Scars", Blink 182's "Adam's Song", and My Chemical Romance's "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)".

Like Keith Urban said about heartbreak in his song "Tonight I Wanna Cry", he croons, "It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better." And maybe I'm only feeling a lot of emotions and guilt since my break up with my boyfriend. I bet you Mr. Urban is right about that.

And I'll admit I still had feelings for my ex-boyfriend but after a while, I started to think, "You don't, you don't, you don't mean anything to me," as Simple Plan will rock out. And while I'm a little screwed up, music seems to make some things better. But "I'm not okay," continues My Chemical Romance, so I'm probably not really okay. "Adam's Song" is just totally about offing yourself, but Augustana, in "Stars and Boulevards" give a melancholy chorus of "Oh...seems like like I'm always on my own/Seems like I'm never coming home/Seems like I'm always on my own and I.../All the stars and boulevards aren't close enough for you".

So am I hurt? "It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better". Does my ex mean anything to me? "You don't....You don't mean anything to me!" Am I okay? "I'm not okay!" How's my hear and mental stability? "I tear my heart open/I sew myself shut/My weakness is/I can't do much/My scars remind me/The past is real" ("Scars" by Papa Roach). Will I do anything drastic? "Tomorrow holds such better days/Days when I can still feel alive" ("Adam's Song" by Blink 182).

Songs can explain for me. But I don't care what you think about me because, "You Don't, You Don't, You Don't,, You Don't Mean Anything to Me"

I'm NOT Who You Think I Am

No, I'm definitely not who you think I am, now that I really think about what I've been blogging. Even those of you who really do know me, I am definitely not who you think I am. There are few who know the real me.

The real me, that I manage to cover up for the most part, is a sad little pathetic person. I have a very hot temper and I'm quick to get angry very, very fast. Anger management, don't get me started on that. The real me is actually very depressed. The real me I cannot even put into words.

And I'm not all that great at acting, or so people tell me, but they don't know what I'm hiding. They don't know what I wish I could be. They don't anything. My family, and even my friends, I don't tell them some of the things that reach this blog. In fact, few of them know about this blog of mine.

Hmm....perhaps my moods have been changing drastically. Maybe I need help. But then again, doesn't everyone need help in this death ridden world? We're all doomed anyway. Isn't like we spend our whole lives waiting to die? Discovering atheism has opened my eyes. After what I've been through these past months, I am no longer a stable, mentally, happy person. So spare me.

I try so hard to be what I'm not, and I fear that if I go and be what I really am, I'm going to hurt a lot of people. I can be positive, I can talk about inspiration, I can tell you all about love, but really, that just isn't me. Perhaps I am living a lie. I am so confused.

But the one thing I know is that I'm NOT who you think I am. I am not even what I think I am. And perhaps I just need to take some time and think.

I mean, in general, and I don't mean to brag, a lot of people get along well with me. I don't understand how it's so easy for me to be who I am not in front of people. I mean, what game am I playing? It's not living if you're trying to be someone you aren't.

Like I said, few know the real me. Kate, who I've mentioned, probably is the only one who understands me right now. She knows I've got problems. She knows my temper flares easily if people aren't careful. And she's the closest anyone will get to know the real me.

Sure, me and her can have our laughs and our jokes, but we know we're both covering up things. We know that we're not really being ourselves. And maybe that's what makes us friends, like I said before in another post, we're only who we really are, or something like it, to each other.

I'm sure most of you wouldn't understand. But under every nice person's outer shell, there's something evil and mysterious lurking. And on some people, who are already falling apart, they don't have that shell. They just have denial.

One Year Anniversery

Ha, I guess I forgot that I've been blogging for a year already! On August 4th, that was when I started this blog last year. Guess I was too wrapped up in other things. Thanks for reading!

Conversations with My Best Friend, Part 1

I was sitting at camp one day with my friend. It was "pool time", but we also had the option of hanging around the area and playing cards. So, like we've done for so many years, we pulled out decks of cards and played Spit and BS occasionally with other people who cared to play with us.

"You know, you're not like my other friends at school," my best friend, let's call her Kate, just because I know she doesn't want her real name out there.

"Really?" I replied, attempting to shuffle the cards we were playing with.

She shrugged, taking the cards from me and shuffling them now. "You don't call me emo like my other friends."

I laughed. "People call you emo?! I never would dream of calling you that!"

She smiled, handing me the deck so I could cut it. "Well, you're a lot like me. I mean, not emo or anything, but you know."

"Yea, I know what you mean," I grinned, cutting the deck perfectly. That was my 11th time to do it perfectly...and it's still counting.

Kate and I only see each other during the summer, at camp. A couple of times outside camp. But we really do consider each other best friends. It's like because we don't see each other that often that we don't get sick of each other. We don't fight, we don't argue. It's a pretty cool relationship.

But Kate is also a very quiet person. She talks to few about personal things, and is, very quiet. I figured that's why people think she's a little depressed. Her parents are divorced, and it's not something she talks about to everyone. I think it makes me feel better that we can share stuff like that with each other, and keep secrets.

But anyway, she's not happy about her parents divorce. She sees her father (who she dislikes a lot) every other weekend. I don't really know her at school, but she seems like the kind of person who can make friends, but best friends don't come as easy. In fact, she's a lot like me. We keep to ourselves, so it seems, and don't share with a lot of people, although we're good at making friends, best friends are hard to come by.

And I think that's what makes her my best friend. Because if you see us together, you might call us two different people. No longer the quiet people we were. I can tell you, as much as I might seem humorous and rebellious, it might just be a shell to cover up that emotional pain that has built up over the years from things that I have not yet, and will not, tell all of you about. The difference between me and Kate is that I cover up with humor and rebellion, while she just remains quiet.

And I'm sure if you met Kate and then met me, you'd choose Kate over me. Kate, in a way, is everything I wish I could be. But maybe, wanting to be someone else isn't exactly the greatest thought. But she's admirable.

But we're so alike in many ways. Our interests are almost identical, it's scary. We're not the kind to keep in fashion, and love shorts and t-shirts. Guys, we get along pretty well with, and each of us has had one break-up. She dumped him, I got dumped. But we've agreed that "love sucks". Heck, we're teenagers, so what else are we gonna think?

And why should you care that I have a best friend, who I've called Kate in this post? Well, I think that everyone needs someone. Not someone to love, but a real friend, and I think I've said that before. Okay, maybe I love Kate like a sister, like best friend love, but you know what I mean. You always need someone to fallback on and have to be a fallback for another person.

Friends are important. Very important to me since I'm not all that well off with my family. And I think that's another reason Kate and I wish we'd see each other more often. But getting stuck at home with busy parents, or in her case, a busy 'parent', keeps us from a fifteen minute drive to see each other. And we constantly tell our parents about each other.

And I think, if I didn't meet Kate, or didn't make friends with her, I'd be one very lost person. I'll admit that I've had some problems. Mental problems. Like depression and anxiety. It's people like her that keep me breathing, and keep me alive. They're what I have to live for right now. They're all I live for actually. And so you take my friends away, I die slowly too.

Just Who I Am Today, Part 1

I've decided to take some time and look back what's happened to me over the past couple of years. These past years have probably been the best and worst years of my life. The best because I've learned so much and felt so much good emotion and finally established a friend I know I can rely on. Not to mention that I've made other accomplishments like winning awards and what not. Maybe the worst years of my life because I've lost a lot too. But I think what I've lost is what I'm more focused on right now. But then again, the things I've suffered through made me discover a few things about myself.

But as of today. I think of myself as a rebel. I think of someone who wants to stand out and be different than the others. I'm the kind of person that's either going to go out in style or find the end very soon. Right now, I'm also a pessimist, and that's okay because humor always finds me and I guess that's a good thing. I'm also the world's clumsiest person. For every ten steps I take, I trip at least twice. Just ask my friends. I spend a lot more time on the ground than on my feet.

I would like to say I've grown a little too. I've learned how to deal with loss. I've dealt with a close death for the first time. And I made it through alive and right now I'm doing great. I've also just dealt with love loss and a broken heart that still needs mending. But what I've lost has only made me discover more.

I think my discovery of FanFiction is worthy of mentioning. After my two friends died, another friend told me to go on FanFiction and read some stupid stuff to make me laugh. And I did and I ended up writing my own stuff and it's helped me discover that my writing isn't all that bad. I've communicated with some new people and shared some opinions and discussed some disagreements, but everything works out in the end.

Maybe I've even matured a little. Although sometimes I feel like I don't ever want to grow up. I've been put back into some kind of track that will bring me back to fitting in, but again, being a rebel has always been me. I don't think that will ever change. I think you've heard my discovery of atheism and that doesn't have to go any further. Let's not get started on that because I'll ramble.

But I've also discovered new friends. And I've learned how to find the people I can trust and unlike before, I'm currently happy with my social network I have. And I know how I've talked about supporting gay rights, and I'm going to tell you a little bit why I feel so strongly about gays having rights. It's been a while since I've known these two friends. We usually only see each other in the summer, and keeping in touch over the other months is easy when you have email and texting. But they confessed that they were gay. And they're the two people I'm glad to call friends because they've taught me a whole lot.

This is the reason why I stand so firmly by my belief in gays having the same rights as straight people. They taught me so much and they still do. I'm not just glad to call them friends, I'm proud because there's nothing wrong with them. Nothing should stand in the way of love.

Moving on, today I am just glad I've made it this far in life. I've got a long road still, or maybe I'm almost at the end. Who knows what lies ahead in the future? I could change a lot, or I could still be the same clumsy, rebellious, idiot I am.

That's just who I am, what I am, and how I am today.

My New FanFiction Website

It's my official website for the fanfictions I've written on FanFiction.net. Please visit it here!

http://sites.google.com/site/mynameiscabff/

Just Today

You know, just today, I was thinking about my friend's funeral I went to in March. Now July, that seems like a long time ago, but it really wasn't. Not when you've lost somebody like that.

Now in the warmth of the summer, it's hard not to remember how I stood in the blistering cold for almost four hours for the wake, to bid my friend another goodbye. I told myself I wouldn't let this goodbye be any different then the other goodbyes, because afterall, that's not how he would have wanted it to be.

But it felt like the last goodbye. And I cried and cried even until I walked out of the funeral home and down the street to my car with my friends and even at midnight when I got home and got some warm food into me, it felt like a lifetime had passed and everything seemed so hopeless.

But the funeral was amazingly warm for March and we sat in the church and we tried to remember all the good that our friend had brought us because he was truly a kind soul that was going to live in us forever, according to the priest.

And while I might be an atheist, it was probably the nicest funeral I've ever attended. Only at the end, did I get that full tug at my heart as we placed flowers onto the coffin and said what was really, the final goodbye.

But I look back at the experience and see how much that taught me. Dealing with loss is easy when you've got people to help you get through. Friends. The people who knew him too.

And so the end of a life is really just a beginning of a new one, a new day, and a new era.