Getting Through the Summer

I wish so badly that the summer would be over because I'd just like to get back to school and get this year over with. But I also wish the summer would never end so I wouldn't have to face my ex-boyfriend. But then again, I just want school to come so I can know that he doesn't think I'm a total bitch or an asshole or whatever.

I don't know how this is all going to work out in the end because I know either way it's only going to hurt bad before it gets better. That's how most things work. You gotta feel the pain before you heal, or you wouldn't have healed at all. Pain is a big key to life. Learning to deal with it is an even greater door opener.

Then there's this part of me that feels really sad and really guilty and really angry. It's that part of me that wishes that I could turn back time and just make things better. It also wants me to make the pain go away, no matter how I do it. I'm being torn apart by what I want and what I need.

What I need is to pick myself up and move on. I can't stay here and mope around feeling sorry for myself, even if I'll be looked down upon for what I've done. What I want is not to move on, what I want is not realistic yet somehow it might just need. What I need is to tell the world that I don't care what they think. But what I want is to hide in the shadows because I'm afraid of what they think. And what I need is a lot of help. But what I want, really want, is to just figure out a way by myself even though I know I can't.

This is all very complicated now and it's hard to understand unless you really truly know me, which you don't.

But I'm hoping I'll get through this summer, just scarred, but not for life. That's what I need. Not what I want.

No Religion

If we had a world with no religion, then a lot of things wouldn't have happened. It's a very big and very good point Richard Dawkins makes in his book The God Delusion. Though I have not yet read through it entirely, he's already got it into my head that we would be better off without believing in things like gods and higher powers.

If religion didn't exist, then 9/11 would never have happened. There would be no polygamy to deal with, no 'In God We Trust' and no Pledge of Alligance to that piece of cloth we call the American flag. An Atheist I am right now. Don't say I won't change later, but praying to God on a hospital bed isn't going to save me.

No, sir. Religion cannot save any of us. It's only going to cause more problems, kill us quicker. Why, our government is so pointed to God. Every dollar bill says 'In God We Trust' and why do we have 'God Bless America' as a patriotic song. What about those who don't believe in God. What about people like me and possible people like you?

Point to the sky, there's just clouds and outer space. No, I'm sorry, but God isn't up there or around us. Yes, I have faith. I have faith in people. Yes, I believe. I believe in things like love, people, and that the Mets will someday win a World Series. Do I look to God for this help. No. I look to myself, I look at others, and I look at the world around me. I see no God.

God cannot save us. Neither can religion, like I said before. I'm not trying to be so against religion though, because I respect what you all believe, but I'm just making a point that scientifically, God does not exist.

There is no proof that God or any higher power like God created us or anything around us. Evolution is what happened folks. Nothing more.

Sure, I might not make sense at all, but I mean get real. It's going to take a lot more than a bible or holy scriptures to make me believe in any religion.

In religion like that, I see destruction. Some people might consider Atheism a religion, and so it might be, but you all know that I'm talking about God and higher powers. Whether it's God, Allah, Yahweh, ect, it's all the same.

While some morals are good from believing in stuff like that, it doesn't always point us in the right direction. The Catholic religion says that same sex marriages and couples and relationships are bad. I'd STRONGLY disagree with that. If religion didn't exist, that stupid idea of homosexuals are bad would never exist!!!

God (and other higher powers like Him) are also teaching us wrong things. Too many political systems are based on this and it's tearing our world apart. There is nothing wrong with same sex relationships. Only because of religion, it is looked down upon. In some other dimension, on a different path, with no religion, same sex marriages would exist along with different sex marriages.

Perhaps it's just me. I'm the kind that likes to find ways to rebel. I'm the kind that will still do when someone says don't. That's just who I am. And you can't change me.

Getting it Together

I'd like to congratulate the Mets on their win against the Cincinnati Reds earlier. It's quite the miracle right now. Since I've resorted to them, trying not to think about my old boyfriend who I just broke up with.

It's quite amazing, that the Mets have so many flaws, that they can sometimes just pull themselves together. I wish my life were like that. Lose a few, but come back anyway and it's all better. Hmm...that would be cool. Unfortunately, I can keep wishing and nothing will ever happen.

The other day, I just agreed with my best friend that love sucks. I mean, it does. I've experienced great love, but it does suck once you lose it. It's something that a person has to agree to once and right now I'm agreeing to it right now.

Good thing there's still a summer to get through and recover and I'll just go back hoping that all my friends will still be there supporting me. If not...If not...Let's hope there's no 'if not'. But if not, I'll get over it, pull myself up, and get back to moving on because that's all we can do in life, right?

Breaking Up is Hard To Do

Yea, okay, so my boyfriend and I broke up. You know, things like this when we're so young don't ever last. I've pretty much curled up under a rock for most of yesterday. I'll get over it. Or maybe guilt will kill me because it was my fault that I screwed it all up.

I took the blame. And it was really my fault anyway. But people are telling me that I ruined something beautiful, something that could have lasted for at least the next five years. No, they're wrong. Things like this don't ever last. You don't go and date your best friend because if you break up you lose them too.

I don't know how things will turn out after the summer. By now, I'm sure, word has spread of what I've done and I'll be looked down upon for the rest of the school year. It doesn't matter. I was made to be a loner anyway. Maybe things will work out and I'll still be friends with my ex-bf, but awkwardness will probably get the best of us and we'll be dodging each other in the hallway as people give us looks of disgust or sympathy.

To tell you the truth, this happened almost two weeks ago. I've just been in denial. And now I'm here telling anyone who bothers to read my blog. If I could go back and change things, I would. Maybe I wouldn't have taken the blame and just left it as we broke up for no real reason at all, just happened. If only it could be that way though.

And so it seemed I recovered. I started working on some writing. But then I get this message from the popular girl in my school. She says she heard and I asked her from who and she said that my ex told his best friend who was the twin of the popular girl's best friend who told the popular girl who will probably tell the anyone who will listen. So pretty much. I'm screwed.

So I fucked up. Big deal. Guilt will weigh me down. I'll find some way to get rid of it or deal with it. Jesus Christ. Love sucks.

I'll try to go on like nothing happened. It was my fault and it hurts and somehow I know that I should have just agreed to breaking up instead of pouring my heart out into a five page text message to my ex-bf telling him the truth. The truth hurts. It's not always the best thing to tell. Trust me on that.

The only probably is...All my friends were his and getting any of them back would be close to impossible. I've built my whole social life with guys, leaning on a few gals every now and then because I've just known them since pre-k. Now I'm left with a couple of friends. My best friend doesn't even go to my school and so she'll be of no help.

It's time to rebuild an empire. It will consist of few as I try and go off to be that girl you stay away from because of what you heard that happened. But I brought down someone else too. That person who convinced me that I should break up with him, even though he was the one that came out and said we probably should first because things were becoming too distant between the two of us and I fucking poured my heart out to him telling him that.

But I don't expect much anymore. I'll get through this last year in this school and move on to build a new circle of friends in high school. I'll leave all the shit behind and move on in a couple of years because no one will remember me.

But like I said, it's time I stop getting so sensitive to people and stop letting them walk all over me. If I'm lucky, everyone who hears what I've screwed up will forget by the end of the summer and I can go to school and everything will be okay except everything between me and my ex and all of his friends who probably won't talk to me anymore.

As for now, I'm restarting the process of forgetting all over again because guilt just kicked in again.

The steroid using, Barry Bonds once said: "Love me, hate me...I don't give a fuck."

And so, I just might agree with Bonds for once and tell everyone that I don't really care what they think about me anymore because in all truth, I don't. Life is complicated. So is love. And love sucks. That's what my best friend says and she's the smart one of the two of us.

Love is something untouchable. Few can be happy with it, or so it seems right? I don't know about later, but I think the only love I need right now is the care that my remaining friends can supply me.

And so, I sign off this morning, hoping the burning sun can melt the guilt away.

A Real Friend

For so long I've struggled to find people that are really my friends. I've been let down, back stabbed, betrayed, and spit upon too many times to count. There are few people that I would even go to in a time of need.

As much as I've said that my boyfriend is one of my best friends, he's not my best, best friend. My best, best friend is someone who is actually a lot like me. In fact, we have so much in common it's scary. Our music tastes are exactly the same, our views on life differ little. But I also feel she's someone I admire because there are so many qualities that she has that I don't.

Sure we've had our arguments, but soon after it's looked at and laughed at. She easily forgives and she's easily forgivable. There are so many things I can laugh at with her that others would just frown upon or laugh at, while she will laugh with me. If I haven't told you before, I'm about the most clumsiest person in the world and I'm always tripping and getting hurt.

I easily make a fool of myself, but she's that helping hand that will help me up. She'll stick up for me when I'm being made fun of and I'll be there for her and it all works out. She's my definition of a real friend, a true real friend that is. While my boyfriend goes to the extent as a friend, meaning someone that I can trust, but the relationship isn't secure, like the one I have with my best, best friend.

It's complicated, it's hard to understand, friendship. But once you find someone that makes you feel safe, feel cared for, and a lot of other things that you can't put into words, you've found a real true friend.

Talking to Myself

I went to the beach today and sat wear the ocean meats the land and let the waves just dab my toes, thinking about random things that probably aren't random at all. I thought about how beautiful the ocean can be. It reminded me of a friend I used to have and so I went off thinking about past relationships and the sun was there to cheer me up.

Hours must have went by and eventually the tide was going to soak me, but I didn't care. I didn't care if little kids ran around kicking up sand or that annoying guy speaking in another language behind me was blabbering to his girlfriend about something that I vaguely picked up to be about soccer. There, sitting on that beach, I was in my own world talking to myself, just thinking for a little while and to clear my head.

When I returned to where the rest of my family (partial family at least) I sat and ate lunch and no one questioned my absence. In reality, only an hour had passed, but it seemed like forever sitting there.

I read a book, Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, and thought about how our future could turn out to be very, very demented like that. Then I turned my attention to The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and pondered whether I should become an atheist after the amazing points he makes, including what if there was no religion in our world.

I got stuck in traffic, listened to a few sad songs and got home just in time to eat some food and catch up with ESPN with the latest sports news before some MLB game which I decided I wouldn't watch tonight no matter how much the TV was begging me to be a lazy ass.

But the thing on my mind all day was something that happened...something I'm not willing to share right now. It's something hard, something that happened and I'm not quite letting go. Something that will alter my life and my feelings about many things.

Okay...enough for tonight...I gotta go.

Finding God, Love, and Faith

There is a part of me that questions the existence of God. I have never really been a practicing Catholic like my grandparents and parents. They have never made me have that faith, although they do push me to believe. The last time I attended church was for a funeral...and that was not a time to restore and beliefs in some kind of God. No, not after a life so precious and young had been taken away because the town refused to change the speed limit in a residential area.

Perhaps it is because I'd like to be different, to stand out and be a non-believer once. But then again, can I believe without holding something kind of religious standing? Some might argue. I might argue too. I mean, how I can I have seen so many baseball miracles without believing in God? How can so many wonderful things happen without that kind of higher power that supposedly created us? I do not know. And that's the truth.

Scientifically, God does not exist. Yet maybe people need something to believe in so they can strive and live and move on after the worst of times. So am I believer? Not quite, but I'm not an athiest yet. I'm still...

Finding God.

Love for years has eluded me. I am unsure about it. Sure, I think I've figured out love, but of course there's still the mysteries yet to be solved. Love is complicated and sometimes it can be so emotionally painful that the pain is almost physical. I should know with the ups and downs of what I have with my boyfriend right now.

Yet he is all I ever wanted and I do dream that someday we'll be happily married off and somewhere watching and laughing over things we did when we were young and stupid. Some say falling in love young is a bad idea, but I think with the guy I've got now, it's totally worth it to go after him.

And so there is my rebellious side again, going against the warnings that love doesn't last. I know it can last. I believe. Maybe to believe in love, I have to find God. Guess that's almost some kind of conflict believing in love and not in God. Perhaps I am still...

Finding Love.

And if I decided God is the right path for me, and even if I don't, I'll always believe in love, maybe I can find faith. Faith, is perhaps a better way of saying some things. Faithful is ever so a Boston Red Sox fan. We are the faithful nation, Red Sox Nation. We've watched the ups and downs over the years and still, we stand faithful.

It seems I should find God and lvoe first, but faith is something that has always come easy. I show faith in a lot of things. From baseball to my boyfriend to wavering friends, I trust my faith. Faith, out of these three things, is the thing that does not quite confuse me and does not make me question so much. But I still could be...

Finding faith.

And with that, I'll sign off for tonight and post later again when I've sorted out a few mysteries in my life. So long for now.

And good night.